When someone implies that I’m not a “real” mom, I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks, and it’s clear they need to take a step back. It’s not only absurd to suggest that I’m not legitimate, but it’s also deeply patronizing to claim that a woman must give birth to be considered a true mother. My fellow adoptive moms can certainly relate—motherhood encompasses both biological ties and actions of love. Some women are mothers by birth alone, while others are mothers through their actions. If you fit both categories, congratulations! I’ll even get you a trophy.
Here are some frustrating remarks I encounter as both a stepmom and a foster mom:
-
When are you going to have your own?
Blink, blink. If you’re struggling to see the reality here, allow me to clarify: I currently have 2-4 children in my life at any given time. Legally and biologically, they may not be mine, but in my heart, they are undeniably my children. I even have some kids I don’t see anymore, yet they remain firmly in my heart every single day. If you can see, then please get out of my uterus. Kthanksbye. -
Oh, come on. I didn’t mean it like that… don’t you want your own?
So, you enjoy being rude, do you? Let’s just dive into someone’s family planning situation, shall we? Maybe you’d like to see my period tracking app to discuss intimate details about my life? Biology doesn’t determine the depth of love for a child. -
Why do they call you mom? You aren’t their real mom.
What do you mean by “real mom”? Take a moment to reflect on the definition you’re using. No, I’m not their biological mother, but I proudly identify as their stepmom and foster mom. The children have chosen to call me mom, and I’ve assured them they can use any name they feel comfortable with—whether it’s my given name, a nickname, or mom itself. They see me as a mother figure, and that’s what truly matters. Why would I rob them of that security? -
You will understand ____________ when you have one of your own.
Let’s clarify: Am I incapable of understanding because I didn’t physically give birth? Do adoptive parents lack understanding too? Just because you love your child doesn’t make my love for my children any lesser. I would move mountains for my step and foster children, taking time to research their medical needs, emotional struggles, and academic challenges. I am committed to supporting them with every ounce of my being.
These are just a few examples of the comments I encounter daily from friends, family, and even strangers. What can I do to convey that my love for these children is as deep as if I had carried them myself? I won’t pretend to be their biological mother; I am simply their stepmom and foster mom, their fierce advocate, and their unwavering support.
For more insights into the journey of parenthood, check out this informative post on couples’ fertility journey. If you’re interested in understanding IVF and fertility preservation, the Cleveland Clinic’s podcast is an excellent resource.
In conclusion, my role as a stepmom and foster mom is filled with love, commitment, and countless hours of research to provide the best support for my children. I may not be their biological mother, but I love them fiercely and unconditionally.