Parenting
By Sarah Matthews
Updated: June 24, 2020 | Originally Published: Feb. 17, 2018
It’s official—my three-and-a-half-year-old son, Leo, is finally potty trained! Cue the confetti and turn on the celebratory music! This is a monumental win for both Leo and me. There was a point when my partner and I feared he might be heading off to high school still in Pull-Ups.
So, without further ado, here’s a guide on how to potty train your child in 36 incredibly challenging (and sometimes frustrating) steps.
- Assume that potty training will be a breeze and set your expectations sky-high.
- Gradually lower those expectations. A little more. Now, take it down another five or ten notches. Perfect!
- Order a $45 superhero-themed potty from Amazon, complete with a handle that plays catchy tunes when flushed.
- Place this fancy potty in the bathroom, where it will inevitably become a mere decoration.
- Discover that your child prefers the comfort of a diaper over your lavish potty.
- Endure the catchy tune of your potty’s theme song playing on repeat because your child loves yanking the handle, even while still in a diaper.
- Ask your child if he wants to sit on the potty, only to be met with a dramatic tantrum.
- Purchase big boy underwear adorned with superheroes to entice him.
- Dress your eager child in those fancy undies, only to find he continues to prefer his diaper.
- Transition to Pull-Ups.
- Offer candy as an incentive for using the potty.
- Hand out an outrageous amount of candy, as your child figures out a way to manipulate the system to get more treats.
- Realize your child is still using Pull-Ups when the candy supply runs dry and decide to take a break until he shows readiness.
- Change a diaper filled with a messy surprise and vow to tackle potty training once more because that was truly horrendous.
- Witness your child pooping in the yard like a pet, realizing amidst the shock that he knows exactly what he’s doing.
- Let your child roam freely without clothes for the weekend to encourage potty use.
- Celebrate when he successfully uses the potty for the first time and reward him with a tub of Play-Doh.
- Spend the following week attempting to extract Play-Doh from your playroom carpet.
- Watch in disbelief as your naked child pees in one of your favorite shoes.
- Relish the end of the weekend, grateful to escape the chaos of your little naked whirlwind.
- Continue the no-clothes policy at home to boost potty training success, and it seems to be working.
- Attempt to convince the babysitter to let him run around naked for training; receive a firm refusal.
- Decide to give big boy underwear another shot.
- Persuade him that even superheroes wear big boy underwear—even Batman wears his over his suit!
- Spend countless hours in the bathroom, playing the “Baby Shark” song on repeat while he tries to do his business.
- Celebrate a few successful moments in the potty.
- Clean up pee from the floor approximately seventeen times.
- Rescue his favorite toy from the potty after a successful attempt, because Captain America deserves better.
- Discard several pairs of big boy underwear because you simply can’t face the cleanup.
- Wake up multiple times during the night due to accidents.
- One day, finally recognize that he’s starting to understand the process.
- Celebrate his progress and express how proud you are of his efforts.
- Realize he is 99% potty trained after an entire year of ups and downs.
- Stow away the $45 potty that went unused for a future sibling.
- Experience a mini heart attack when he sits on a public restroom toilet before you can intervene.
- Acknowledge that perhaps your expectations should have been even lower, but celebrate the end of diaper purchases by considering another child.
And there you have it—how to potty train your child in 36 incredibly tedious steps. Anyone can do it! You can thank me later when you’ve navigated this journey.
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In summary, while potty training can be a daunting task filled with challenges, it’s an essential milestone that requires patience, creativity, and a good sense of humor. Embrace the journey, and you’ll find success in time!