Two weeks ago, I reached out to my ex-husband, Tom, regarding our kids’ schedules. I expressed that it felt like we had finally turned a corner, that a sense of peace had settled over me—an unfamiliar feeling that I hadn’t experienced in years, perhaps even a decade. Tom agreed, genuinely pleased to hear that I felt this way. Our divorce was mutual and uncontested; we both recognized that our journey together had come to an end. We enlisted the help of a family lawyer, filled out some paperwork, and before we knew it, our marriage was dissolved. After six years of trying to make things work, this release was a breath of fresh air.
Tom now lives just a few miles away. I even helped him decorate his new condo, and we share custody of our three children, which seems to be functioning well. We’ve let the kids dictate where they want to spend their time for the most part, and it’s been beneficial for everyone involved.
In the grand scheme of divorces, ours has been relatively smooth compared to the struggles many couples endure when separating. However, that doesn’t mean it’s free from pain. Just a week after I sent that heartfelt text to Tom, I found myself driving and suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of nostalgia. A memory of our happier days together washed over me, leaving me breathless and on the edge of a panic attack.
Though we no longer love each other, it still stings to see his new girlfriend get into the front seat of the family car—where I used to sit as our kids piled in the back for family outings. The feeling of being replaced is a profound and indescribable hurt. It’s incredibly difficult to witness.
Saying goodbye to the kids multiple times a week tears me apart. It never becomes easier, and the unfairness of it all weighs heavily on everyone, despite the fact that sometimes I genuinely need a break from solo parenting.
Divorce imposes unavoidable realities that no one wishes to face. Nobody wants to sacrifice time with their children, surrender their favorite possessions, or explain their relationship status to old friends. Navigating the complexities of home ownership and bills alone is daunting, and parting with engagement rings is never pleasant. It’s especially painful to see someone else occupy the spaces that once felt like home—whether at a child’s basketball game, in the passenger seat of your old car, or, worst of all, in someone’s heart where you used to belong.
Even if you enjoy the solitude of sleeping alone (and trust me, I do), every night when you climb into bed, there’s that fleeting moment when you remember the warmth of another person who once shared that space with you. You will encounter lonely moments—days, weeks, even months—where you grapple with those feelings, often seeking distractions to fill the void.
When you intertwine your life with someone—buying a house, raising children, and building a family—those experiences become part of your identity. You grow accustomed to their essence, their presence, and when that connection fades, the memories linger. They shape who you are and become integral to your story, even if you wish to forget, which might make moving on considerably easier.
Yet, it’s an impossible task. Even if you find yourself happier and stronger, even if you’re living the life you’ve always envisioned, you’re not immune to moments that kick you in the gut when you least expect it. Divorce doesn’t need to be a nightmare to leave you reeling. Every divorce carries its own brutality, and the only way to emerge on the other side is to navigate through it.
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In summary, while an amicable divorce may appear less tumultuous on the surface, it can still be a deeply painful experience. The memories and emotions tied to your past remain, and moving forward requires acknowledging and processing those feelings.