This letter has been a long time in the making, and I must take responsibility for not having penned it sooner. I recognize that I have had the privilege to remain silent, but silence has never been an option I can afford any longer. I regret not having confronted the first instance I heard you use derogatory language at a family gathering. A simple statement like, “That word is unacceptable around me,” or even walking away wasn’t enough then, and it certainly isn’t now.
I am accountable for not addressing it when I realized that your remarks stemmed from a conscious choice to embrace bigotry, rather than mere ignorance. I remember being around seven or eight when I first heard you make a joke about how “every Southern family has a skeleton in the closet because we used to own them.” This perspective trivializes the horrific legacy of slavery and racism as if it’s something to be proud of rather than a stain on our family history.
Even more frustrating is your association with this identity. Our family has never owned slaves; we are descendants of impoverished immigrants from Italy and Acadia who settled in Louisiana and later in San Antonio, Texas. We were never in a position to own slaves, yet you seem to take pride in a narrative that connects us to white supremacy. This mindset is not just misguided—it is deeply troubling.
I have recently decided to change my last name from the German surname I was born with to that of my paternal grandmother, a choice made with intention. I wanted to distance myself from patriarchal structures that have historically oppressed women. Against my better judgment and at your insistence, I left my son’s last name as yours, so you could feel some sense of legacy. However, I can no longer be complicit in perpetuating systems of racism and patriarchy. My first act in this fight will be to change my son’s last name to mine, a name I am proud to carry forward.
I acknowledge that not all of you share these racist beliefs, yet many remain silent or complicit by association. I urge you to stand with me, even if it means standing against your partners. Some of you were supportive when I came out as queer, but let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that just because my partner is white, your acceptance is genuine.
Racism is not a minor flaw in one’s character; it is a defining aspect of who you are. You cannot be “a little” bigoted, just as you cannot be “somewhat” pregnant. Regardless of whether my presence changes your attitudes, I will continue to show up and speak out.
My previous attempts to change your minds through gentle conversation have proven futile. I thought that by allowing you to sidestep discussions about race and politics, I might plant a seed of thought. I realize now that my silence only contributed to the status quo of ignorance and bigotry. I must model for my son the importance of standing against hatred, no matter the discomfort it may cause.
My son is now old enough to observe how I navigate social situations, and I refuse to let him grow up in an environment where racism and sexism go unchallenged. From this moment forward, I will not tolerate any form of bigotry in my presence. I will confront each instance, no matter how subtle or overt. Your niceness and good intentions do not negate the harm caused by your words.
This isn’t just a personal plea; it’s a declaration that I will protect my son from the poisonous ideologies you perpetuate. He will know that your worldview is not only wrong but also fundamentally flawed. He will learn to recognize and reject the cowardice that hides behind the facade of white supremacy.
By changing my son’s last name, I am reclaiming a part of my identity and severing the last ties to your legacy. If your racism has never cost you anything, let this be the first sacrifice. This message serves as both a warning and an apology for my past complicity in these systems. It is a step toward redemption in my family and a call to action for anyone reading this who could write a similar letter but has yet to do so.
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In summary, I am drawing a line in the sand. I will no longer accept racism and bigotry in my life or my family’s life. My actions will speak louder than the silence that has defined our family for too long.