As a pregnant advocate for gender equality, I envisioned a balanced partnership with my husband as we embarked on parenthood. Fast forward four years, and I found myself taking on the role of the Go-To Parent, both at home and beyond. I was completing more than my fair share of parenting and household tasks while juggling multiple part-time jobs that amounted to a full-time salary.
Despite the tendency for women to apologize excessively, I realized that this situation was largely of my own making. I regretted not discussing my feelings with my husband and was distressed to see our child growing up with the belief that household management was solely a woman’s responsibility.
What is a Go-To Parent?
So, what exactly is a Go-To Parent? This is the person daycare calls when the child is unwell, even if the other parent is just a short distance away. It’s the parent who ensures the kids have their favorite pajamas ready for school’s “pajama day.” In legal terms, this is known as the “primary custodial parent,” but in everyday life, it’s the one who shoulders the bulk of the child-related and household chores. That parent was undeniably me.
After carrying our child and attempting to breastfeed—two aspects firmly in my domain—I expected that once our son turned one, we would return to a more equitable division of labor. Yet, I still found myself managing communications with his teachers, RSVPing for birthday parties, and ordering his clothes during sales. I was invested in the emotional labor for our family of three.
While my husband took our son biking and handled bedtime routines, there was a significant difference between spending quality time and managing the majority of the mundane tasks. One day, our son commented, “Daddy is a professor.” When I inquired about my job, he gleefully replied, “My mommy.” I longed to be recognized as a “writer” or “teacher,” roles I held alongside being his mother.
Frustration and Reflection
Frustration began to creep in. It wasn’t just the exhaustion from the early parenting years—especially after a C-section and caring for a poor sleeper—but also my growing resentment towards my husband’s achievements. I was managing to write poems and present at conferences, yet I felt stagnant in my career compared to his progress. What if, despite societal pressures, I could find time to write more and increase my income?
By this point, we were both in our forties and had lived as independent adults before marriage. We had always supported each other—so what was going wrong? Why did I often intervene when he offered help, saying, “I got it”?
Our late-night conversations turned into arguments, and then my husband asked, “What do you want me to do to share the load?” For the first time, I truly listened. My instinct was to blame him and adopt a victim mentality, but he was right. His offers to do laundry were met with my insistence that I could handle it. When he suggested washing the dishes, I would insist on finishing my tasks first. I had become so accustomed to managing everything that I couldn’t let go.
Breaking the Cycle
Did I take pride in doing the laundry to the extent that I refused to share the burden? Was I really enthusiastic about scrubbing burnt food off the pans? Was I falling into the societal trap of what a mother is supposed to do? Would anyone from “society” check whether I had emptied the dishwasher, or would my creative work eventually matter more?
The harsh truth was clear: Communication, crucial at the start of a relationship, is equally vital as parents. We needed to engage in open dialogue. This is basic relationship knowledge that we had somehow let slip after a decade together.
Cynthia Kane, author of How to Communicate Like a Buddhist, reminds us that empathy in communication arises when we understand the perspective of the other person. This realization pushed us to approach our issues as partners rather than adversaries.
Creating a Plan
We decided to sit down and create a plan, using our shared digital calendar to map out responsibilities. Each of us committed to working late one evening a week. We would split laundry and grocery shopping duties, and I would focus on planning writing residencies while he would limit his conference presentations. We also prioritized more date nights to reconnect as a couple, rekindling the optimism we once shared.
This article originally published on Feb. 7, 2018, serves as a reminder that communication and shared responsibilities can rejuvenate relationships after the arrival of children. For those interested in exploring family planning options like at-home insemination, check out this resource on artificial insemination kits. For additional insights on pregnancy, visit the CDC’s pregnancy resource page. You can also find more authoritative information on this topic at this link.
In summary, achieving balance as parents requires open communication, shared responsibilities, and a commitment to nurturing both the family and our individual aspirations.