As I entered the locker room after my swim at the local gym, I steeled myself for the usual scene: the ladies’ dressing area can be a display of unabashed nudity, particularly among women over forty who seem unbothered by modesty. But nothing could have prepared me for what I encountered that day.
A completely nude woman had her leg perched on a bench, diligently applying lotion—right into her butt crack. Yes, you read that correctly. While I fully support a solid skincare routine, there are some things that should be kept private. Unfortunately, my locker was adjacent to hers, and I tried my best to look away, but the horror was unavoidable. Cheerfully chatting, she turned around and, with her lotion-coated hand, entered the combination to her locker. That was the moment locker number 53 became permanently off-limits for me.
Listen up, gym-goers: I need you to stop being gross in our shared workout spaces. I can’t handle any more instances of unhygienic behavior due to your negligence. We’re all in this together, and a little kindness can go a long way when it comes to sharing equipment and maintaining gym etiquette.
We all know the offenders—the ones who think the rules don’t apply to them or believe their sweat doesn’t carry any odor. I’m calling you out! Yes, you must wipe down the machines you use. Why is it so hard for some to understand? If you just spent a sweaty half hour on that elliptical, do us a favor and clean it afterwards. I’ll share the machine with you, but I’m not taking home your germs, thank you very much.
And let’s talk about those treadmill hogs. Just because you’re training for a marathon, it doesn’t give you the right to monopolize the equipment. I spent an eternity wrestling my toddler into his snowsuit, and I don’t have time to wait for you to finish your epic journey to California. Oh, and fellow gym-goers, your favorite bike doesn’t belong to you just because you’ve claimed it for years. We all pay to use the equipment, so please find another bike if you’re holding up the line.
Walking around barefoot in the locker room? Just stop. Feet are gross on their best days, and post-workout, it’s just revolting. Grab a $2 pair of flip-flops and wear them while traipsing around the locker room, please.
And for the love of all that is good, please don’t talk to me in the sauna. I’m wrapped in a towel, just trying to enjoy the heat in peace. I don’t want to make small talk, and I definitely don’t want you sitting too close—back off! When I’m on the treadmill, I’m not interested in gossip or news. I came here to sweat, not to socialize.
And to those showboats in the gym, we see you. Yes, we noticed you just lifted an impressive amount of weight and let out a grunt like you were giving birth. We get it; you’re strong. But no one else is impressed, so please dial it down a notch.
And please, for the love of all that is decent, do not blow-dry your pubic hair in public. I can’t believe I even have to mention this, but it’s a thing I’ve seen. Nobody wants to witness that—ever.
To the older crowd, just because you look darling in your vintage swim cap doesn’t mean you own the swim lanes. Kindly take your water aerobics over to the free swim area so the rest of us can navigate the lanes without obstruction.
Gym etiquette is not complicated, people. It takes only a moment to wipe down the machines or put on flip-flops in the locker room. Finding time to work out is challenging enough without contending with those who think it’s okay to play their music aloud. And for the love of all things sacred, leave the butt crack lotion at home.
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Summary
Gym etiquette is essential for a pleasant workout environment. From wiping down machines to respecting personal space, it’s time for everyone to step up and be considerate. Let’s keep our shared spaces clean and respectful for all.