As my daughter prepares for her second middle school dance next week, conversations among parents swirl around nostalgic tales of their youth, discussing outfits, carpools, and the inevitable question: will anyone actually dance?
“I wish the girls would just say yes to any boy who asks. It’s just a dance,” I’ve heard from parents several times. I’ve also been asked, more than once, to encourage my daughter to dance with any boy who approaches her because “it’s just a dance.”
Absolutely not.
Let’s be clear: my daughter has every right to decline a dance all night long. She is not responsible for your son’s nerves, his good character, or the fact that he asked her. The notion that she should dance simply to be polite, or because it’s “just a dance,” is misguided.
While you aim to shield your son from a bruised ego for one evening, I am focused on helping my daughter navigate her autonomy and safety for a lifetime.
Empowering Her to Say No
I don’t believe your son is a danger; that’s not the issue at hand. This is about teaching my daughter to trust her instincts and assert her boundaries before she finds herself in uncomfortable or unsafe situations. This empowerment extends beyond the dance floor; it’s about saying no to unwanted advances, drinks, or any situation that feels wrong. The #MeToo movement has illuminated the pervasive nature of sexual harassment and assault, and it’s crucial that our daughters are equipped to stand firm in their decisions.
Teaching Boys to Understand No
I’m sure your son is a nice kid—mine is, too. It does take courage to ask someone to dance, but that doesn’t mean my daughter should feel pressured to comply. Consent education begins early, and every 12-year-old boy needs to learn that asking for a dance does not guarantee a “yes.”
The dynamics of asking and answering are interconnected. When we teach boys that girls should always agree to dance, we create an expectation that girls’ refusals can be disregarded. This reinforces a dangerous narrative that a girl’s comfort is secondary to a boy’s desires, a lesson that can have lasting consequences in their future relationships and careers.
Raising Respectful Sons
My son is gearing up for his fourth middle school dance next week, and he’ll socialize with friends—both boys and girls. He understands that the environment of the dance floor is different for him compared to the girls. If a girl declines to dance with him, he recognizes that it’s her choice, whether it’s personal or not. He’s learning to respect “no” and the concept of consent long before it becomes intertwined with adulthood.
So yes, your son is a nice kid, and it may be “just a dance.” However, that’s merely the foundation for understanding consent in broader contexts—like dates and intimate encounters. Grasping the importance of “no” on the middle school dance floor sets the stage for healthier interactions later in life.
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In summary, it is essential for our children to learn the significance of consent and the power of choice from a young age. Encouraging our daughters to assert their preferences and teaching our sons to respect those decisions will foster a culture of understanding and respect that benefits everyone.