Growing up in a small town, I cherished my childhood, surrounded by farms, football games, and churches on nearly every corner. Even after leaving for college and starting a new life, I dreamed of returning to that hometown for my wedding. When I finally walked down the aisle of that Southern Baptist Church, everything seemed perfect. I wore a stunning white dress, and my husband beamed at me from the altar. Yet, amid that joy, a sudden wave of shame washed over me. Why?
I was back in my childhood church, dressed in white, but I wasn’t the embodiment of purity I had been taught to aspire to. My upbringing coincided with what is now known as the Purity Movement, where young girls participated in events like True Love Waits rallies before we even understood our own bodies. I vividly remember one such rally at that very church. The speaker held up a flawless pink rose, proclaiming its beauty and purity. As the rose was passed around to hundreds of hands, it became wilted, losing its fragrance and charm. The message was unmistakable: our worth hinged on our sexual purity, a treasure to be preserved solely for our future husbands.
This culminated in the unsettling ritual of receiving a purity ring from a father figure, a promise to remain chaste until marriage. Reflecting on it now, I can hardly stomach the memory.
While I have distanced myself from that damaging ideology, I still identify as a Christian and recognize the spiritual significance of sexuality. I understand that sex can create profound emotional bonds. However, I firmly believe the purity movement is a harmful and outdated belief system that has left an imprint on my psyche. I refuse to pass these misguided teachings about religious abstinence on to my children.
Here are several reasons why I oppose this ideology:
1. Shame-Based Ideology
Instilling the belief that sexuality is only acceptable within marriage sets children up for shame and confusion. When their natural desires clash with rigid moral standards, they may develop self-loathing and guilt. Hormones are natural, and sex should not be a source of shame. By demonizing these desires, we teach children to resent their own bodies.
2. Toxic Patriarchal Double Standards
The analogy of the rose was never directed toward the boys present. The Purity Movement imposes inconsistent standards on girls and boys alike. While girls’ purity is treated as a gift for their husbands, there’s little discussion about what men offer in return. Religious teachings on modesty often reveal a double standard, where boys can experiment without consequence, while girls are shamed for their choices.
3. Victim Blaming
I must share a painful truth: the individual who took me to that purity rally was a family member who had abused me throughout my childhood. This creates immense shame for victims of sexual assault, as the pressure to remain “pure” can overshadow their trauma. When purity is the measure of worth, victims are left bearing an unbearable burden.
4. It Simply Doesn’t Work
Research shows that teaching religious abstinence fails to delay sexual activity among youth. A comprehensive, federally-funded study revealed that students in abstinence-only programs were not more likely to abstain from sex or have fewer partners. Instead, this approach fosters shame and prevents teenagers from seeking necessary resources, such as contraception and support.
What Should Faith-Based Parents Do?
There’s no easy solution, but I plan to engage in honest and open discussions with both of my children about their bodies and sexuality. I’ll emphasize the importance of consent and discuss the emotional implications of sexual relationships. I’ll ensure they understand how to protect themselves and encourage them to seek knowledge about their bodies without fear or shame.
My daughter will know she isn’t anyone’s rose; her worth is intrinsic and not diminished by her sexual choices. I aim to nurture her growth with love and understanding, free from judgment or shame. Discussions about sexuality will be grounded in honesty and compassion, never in the context of purity rings or outdated ideologies.
For more on navigating these conversations, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy from Healthline, which provides valuable insights into sexual health and education. Additionally, if you’re exploring options for family planning, you might find our post on at-home insemination kits helpful here. You can also read more about related topics here.
Summary
Teaching religious abstinence can lead to shame, confusion, and self-loathing in children, particularly when it comes with unrealistic standards and toxic ideologies. Instead of passing down these harmful lessons, parents should foster open, honest conversations about sexuality that empower their children with knowledge and self-worth.