Trigger Warning: Child Loss
Today, I received a call from my younger brother asking for advice on how to support a colleague whose friend’s infant tragically passed away. Seven months ago, I experienced a similar loss when my daughter, Lily, was born full-term but only lived for a brief 32 hours. We were blissfully unaware that we would soon become part of the heartbreaking community of parents who lose their children.
After discussing with my partner and other grieving parents, I compiled a list of what truly helps — and what doesn’t — when supporting bereaved parents.
Avoid Saying, “Let Me Know How I Can Help.”
While the sentiment is appreciated, when my world is in chaos, I can’t think of what I need. A friend once told me, “What’s for dinner tonight?” When I replied, “I have no idea,” she said, “No problem! I’ll bring dinner over at 6.” We were grateful for meals, but I wouldn’t have been able to ask for it. If you’re going to the store, offer to pick up specific items like eggs or milk instead of asking what’s needed. The more concrete the options, the easier it is for a grieving parent to respond.
Provide Meals or Set Up a Meal Train.
After Lily’s passing, deciding what to eat felt overwhelming. Friends from our community organized a meal train that delivered food to us for an entire month, which was invaluable during such a difficult time. If you bring food, make sure the cooking instructions are extremely clear. I once baked a casserole with the plastic wrap still on it because my brain was foggy.
Remember the Dates That Matter.
Each month on the anniversary of Lily’s birth and passing is especially challenging. A close friend sends me flowers every month on that date, reminding me that I’m not alone in my grief. If you can’t recall the date, set a recurring reminder on your phone to check in and let me know you’re thinking of me.
Make My Home Welcoming Upon Return.
If we share a close relationship, please help prepare my home before I return from the hospital. Ask for a key to tidy up, do the dishes, and even arrange some flowers around the house. A care package with postpartum essentials like comfy pants, snacks, and a note acknowledging my motherhood can provide comfort during this painful transition.
Don’t Forget the Father.
If my partner is friends with yours, encourage them to spend time together. Men often grieve differently, and connecting with others who understand can be crucial for their healing.
Keep It Simple with Your Words.
When you’re unsure what to say, a heartfelt “I’m sorry” is often best. Avoid platitudes like “Everything happens for a reason” or “At least you can have more.” Instead, simply express your sorrow and willingness to listen.
Respect Boundaries Regarding the Nursery.
While you may want to help by packing up the nursery or removing reminders of my child, please refrain from doing so without asking. We need to make those decisions in our own time. I know someone who left the nursery intact until they moved, and it’s essential to give grieving parents the space to decide what’s right for them.
Feel Free to Ask About My Baby.
It’s okay to inquire about my child, the delivery, and what transpired. Ignoring the subject can create an uncomfortable atmosphere. If I’m not ready to share, I will indicate as much, but knowing you care enough to ask helps to normalize the conversation.
Notify Me of Your Pregnancy in Person.
If you’re expecting, please share the news with me directly rather than through social media. I genuinely wish you all the best, but seeing pregnancy announcements online can be painful. A personal conversation can help maintain our friendship amidst the sadness.
Be Prepared for Messy Grieving.
Grief can be a chaotic process; it changes your very being. There will be moments when I may want to hide away or, conversely, need a friend by my side as I navigate this tumultuous journey. If you’re willing, join me in expressing anger or sadness — breaking things can be cathartic.
Acknowledge the Loss.
If we’re just acquaintances and you see me, don’t shy away from recognizing my loss. A simple acknowledgment like “I’m sorry” can mean a lot. If I want to talk about Lily, I will; if not, I’ll shift the conversation.
Speak My Child’s Name.
Hearing Lily’s name brings me comfort. Yes, it might bring tears, but even in sadness, there’s joy in remembering her.
In summary, supporting a friend through the loss of a child requires sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and a willingness to engage with their grief. If you’re looking for more guidance on pregnancy and related topics, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy. For those navigating the journey of parenthood through different means, you might find this home insemination kit helpful.