One evening, my husband returned home from work, and I witnessed a side of him I had never seen before. He erupted in anger at our eldest son for not putting on his pajamas quickly enough. It was as if I was staring at a stranger, a version of him I couldn’t recognize after more than a decade of knowing him. A wave of emotion washed over me, sinking deep into my chest and swirling in my stomach. I carried that feeling with me long after I had put our three children to bed alone.
As tears threatened to spill, I fought to suppress them, knowing they were anything but gentle. They felt raw and violent, and I tried to keep them hidden for the sake of our kids. But my body betrayed me, and I couldn’t silence the gasps that escaped.
We didn’t speak for the rest of the night. As he undressed and prepared for bed, I feigned sleep but cracked my eyes open just enough to take in the sight of him. He appeared thinner than ever, his eyes weary and distant. For weeks, I had heard him tossing and turning at night, but I had chosen to ignore it, fearing he might think I was awake and desire intimacy, something I couldn’t fathom with the man he was becoming.
A few nights later, we attempted to celebrate our ninth wedding anniversary with dinner. The atmosphere was stilted and uncomfortable; neither of us wanted to be there. I held onto the hope that perhaps some quality time together would rekindle what we had. After we ordered wine, he looked at me and confessed, “While I was having a beer the other night, I felt like I could drink forever. I could have downed twelve easily.”
This admission deeply unsettled me. My husband, who rarely drank, spoke with a tone that was both distant and laced with anger. I couldn’t help but ask, “What’s going on with you lately? It’s as if I don’t even know you.” And it was true; the man sitting across from me felt foreign, and fear gripped me.
Weeks later, he finally revealed that he had been unfaithful. He claimed to have ended the affair and explained that he had been in a deep depression throughout. He had no excuses, no explanations for his actions, and admitted that he didn’t know how to stop it when a woman in her 20s made advances toward him, even though he was married.
During the time of his affair, while he was being intimate with someone over a decade younger than him, I had sensed a shift in his behavior but had chosen to ignore it. I always believed that infidelity would leave clear signs, like lipstick on a collar or the scent of another woman on him. I thought I could identify the telltale signs, but his behavior didn’t fit that mold. What frightened me most was the realization that he could engage in something so damaging to himself and our family, and yet feel powerless to stop.
I found myself grappling with the fear of losing my husband and the relationship we had nurtured. I was terrified because I didn’t have a roadmap for repairing what was broken. Deep down, I suspected he was having an affair, even if I didn’t want to confront it. I pushed the thought away, convincing myself that he wasn’t working late or glued to his phone. There was no overt evidence of another woman; he was simply acting like someone else entirely.
Ultimately, this transformation shattered our bond. His claim that he “didn’t know how to stop it” echoed in my mind for years, leaving me unsettled. It implied a lack of care for me and our family. It meant that I was no longer “his person” and that he had given up on us. I realized that his inability to stop such destructive behavior suggested he could fall into the same trap again. It made me question whether the man I married still existed, especially as I witnessed him turning into someone who would channel his frustrations onto our children.
We tried to make it work for several years, but the emotional distance only grew. The man who didn’t know how to stop his destructive behavior was not the man I had vowed to spend my life with.
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Summary:
The author shares her harrowing experience of witnessing her husband’s transformation following his affair. His sudden outbursts and emotional distance left her feeling scared and lost. Despite attempts to salvage their marriage, the fundamental change in his behavior ultimately led to the dissolution of their relationship.