Adoption is a nuanced journey. The path to parenthood, regardless of how it unfolds, is often filled with challenges. For those supporting families formed through adoption, the best approach is to offer love, listen without judgment, and be mindful of your words. Here are eight phrases to steer clear of when discussing adoption with parents:
-
“Don’t you wish for a baby?”
Many adoptive families, like mine, may choose to adopt older children from foster care. We’re thrilled to have a vibrant thirteen-year-old who fills our lives with joy. However, it’s important to recognize that some adoptive parents have mourned the loss of a biological child. Instead of bringing up this sensitive topic, celebrate the family they’ve created, regardless of the child’s age. A little acknowledgment goes a long way!
-
“What is her background?”
This question crosses personal boundaries. When a child comes into an adoptive family, they often have a history that may involve trauma or hardship. Parents may need to address their children’s past occasionally, but it’s not anyone’s place to pry. Instead of asking about their history, consider acknowledging the strength of the adoptive parents and their child.
-
“You’re so lucky to have found each other!”
While the bond formed through adoption is indeed special, it’s essential to understand that adoption often arises from difficult circumstances, such as neglect or trauma. Rather than framing it as luck, it’s more fitting to describe adoption as a journey filled with grace. The love shared between adoptive parents and their children comes from overcoming challenges together.
-
“Everything will be okay!”
Adoption can be a rollercoaster of emotions, with uncertainties surrounding legal processes and family dynamics. Telling parents that “everything will be fine” can undermine their very real fears. Instead, offer support by acknowledging their struggles, such as saying, “This is challenging, but you’re strong, and I’m here for you.”
-
“I wish I had adopted; it seems easier than pregnancy.”
This statement trivializes the complexities of both adoption and childbirth. Each experience comes with its own set of challenges, and simplifying adoption as the “easy route” is disrespectful. Bringing a child into your life—whether through adoption or pregnancy—requires dedication and resilience.
-
“Why didn’t you have your own children?”
This question can feel like a personal attack. Adoptive parents are, indeed, parents, and their children should never be viewed as “less than” because they are adopted. Statements like this can hurt the child’s self-esteem. Remember, love transcends biology.
-
“Will they look like you?”
The focus on physical resemblance can be misplaced. Adoptive parents often don’t consider this factor as relevant. When discussing matching preferences, it’s more constructive to celebrate the unique identities that each child brings into the family rather than fixating on superficial traits.
-
“Adopted kids have issues.”
This stereotype is harmful and misleading. All children face challenges, and it’s crucial not to label adopted children as problematic due to their past experiences. Instead, we should recognize that these kids may be navigating grief and adjustment. They deserve love and support without stigma.
In summary, when engaging with adoptive parents, focus on empathy and understanding rather than intrusive questions or assumptions. If you’re interested in learning more about family formation, check out this resource on artificial insemination or explore our blog post on home insemination kits to keep the conversation going.