“I just need to focus on myself right now,” her text read. We had forged our friendship back in college, and after nearly a decade, it all seemed to unravel following the recent election results. For five long months, silence filled the air, and it was painful to realize that putting our friendship on hold felt like an acceptable choice to her.
It made me question my current circle. Perhaps it was time to seek out new connections if those I considered close were indifferent to my presence. This friend had missed my wedding and baby shower, never met my child, and didn’t make an effort even when I was in town. It wasn’t until she effectively closed the door on our friendship that I recognized the imbalance.
This year, I dedicated considerable time—sacrificing sleep, moments with my husband, personal preferences, comfort, and even finances—to forge new relationships with women who were either new acquaintances or just floating around in my social realm. I yearned for the kind of closeness depicted in films like Bridesmaids or Beaches.
I straightened my hair for dinner outings when I would have preferred to curl up with a book or tackle the laundry pile. I bought jeans that flattered my figure, opting for something other than my husband’s old sweatpants, which had become my go-to attire. I invited colleagues to lunch, braving the awkwardness of forced conversation with those I barely knew. I drove over 60 miles to meet a friend who never inquired about my well-being. I even arranged playdates with my son’s friend, despite feeling ignored or manipulated by his mother, all in the name of second chances.
And you know what? I regret it all.
In those moments of waiting for my check at a restaurant, I could have been doing something I truly enjoyed. Each time I forced myself to socialize because I thought that was what was expected of me, I missed out on quality time with genuine friends who understood my preference for meaningful conversation over small talk. I continued to reach out to new moms who acted as if they didn’t have time for me, all while leaving my son crying at the door as I headed out to meet someone who only reached out when she faced relationship issues. I did it because I wanted to be the reliable friend—the one you can lean on, trust, laugh with, and even cry in front of.
While those traits are key components of a solid friendship, they can’t thrive in a one-sided environment. Just like any relationship, friendships require mutual effort. I realized that as a mom, I no longer wanted to be the one begging for attention or waiting for someone to offer me anything more than conditional support. I recognized that my former college roommate exemplified a friendship that faltered due to its one-sided nature, prompting me to reevaluate my role in other connections.
I didn’t want to let down those who genuinely invested in our friendship, so I gravitated back to friends from high school. The ones who supported me through my awkward phases and still insist we looked fabulous back then compared to now. Friends who didn’t flinch when my mom unleashed her wrath on them as if they were family. The ones who aren’t necessarily on the marriage or parenting track yet still remember that I was once a person with dreams and hobbies of my own. These are the friends whose families welcome me back with open arms whenever I visit, and they are there for me despite the distance, unlike many who live nearby but never bother to reach out.
I don’t believe it’s pointless to meet new people, but at this stage in life, it feels akin to dating after marriage—why pursue new connections when you already have solid, compatible friendships? When time is limited and self-care often takes a backseat to parenting and chores, why spend precious moments with those who are likely to disappoint you over friends who have proven their loyalty?
I took control of my social life by minimizing contact with those who never initiate conversation, removing myself from negative influences (you know, the one person who always leaves you feeling worse after a chat), and reinvesting in friendships that have withstood the test of time.
As a mom, it becomes crucial to be selective about your social circle because a) time is scarce and b) you are unique. If someone in your life drains your energy and leaves you feeling sour, it’s time to cut ties. While it might seem logical to seek out new mom friends, that’s not always the answer. Sure, it’s comforting to connect with someone who understands the chaos of parenthood or won’t judge you for a last-minute cancellation due to a “diaper emergency,” but don’t go on a quest for these friendships if they come at the cost of authentic connections.
Cherish the friendships that know you well and are eager to grow alongside you, regardless of the life stage you’re in. Nurture those relationships with care and attention, as they are treasures that even your partner will appreciate when you need support that he may not be able to provide.
For more insights on family dynamics, check out our post on the journey of couples facing fertility challenges at Make a Mom. You can also find excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination at Hopkins Medicine.
In summary, this year has taught me the importance of valuing genuine friendships and the necessity of mutual effort in relationships. I’ve learned to focus on the connections that truly matter, rather than expending energy on those that don’t bring positivity into my life.