Parenting is a profoundly transformative experience, often intensified by the choices we make. For me, choosing not to drink alcohol stems from a difficult past. My father struggled with alcoholism, and his actions had serious consequences. He spent a substantial portion of my teenage years incarcerated for driving under the influence. The memory of him stumbling into my high school graduation, intoxicated, still lingers. By the time he passed away at just 49, I was left grappling with the reality of how young that truly is. He never met my children, nor did he witness pivotal moments in my life, such as my college graduation or wedding.
While I have consumed alcohol in the past, I made the conscious decision to stop after marrying my wife. Our choice to embrace a sober lifestyle was reinforced by our practice of Mormonism, which has also connected us with other like-minded parents. However, as I immerse myself in the world of parenting—now a father of three and a writer—I often find myself feeling out of place. A colleague of mine enjoys his nightly “papa juice,” a gin concoction he believes helps ease the challenges of bedtime. I admit, I can understand the allure of that drink, especially when the pressures of parenting weigh heavily on me.
I often encounter the cultural narrative surrounding parents and alcohol, especially among mothers who enjoy their wine. The humorous line from Christmas Vacation, where Clark asks his father how he coped with chaotic holidays, resonates with me: “I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.” I sometimes yearn for that kind of relief, especially during particularly stressful holiday gatherings. When I go out with fellow parents, I frequently find myself the sole sober person at the table, sipping on my sparkling water while others indulge.
Choosing not to drink has cost me some friendships. There have been uncomfortable moments where people have tried to persuade me to drink, as if a single sip would magically improve my life or foster deeper connections. For me, this pressure is both puzzling and frustrating. Many people wonder how I manage parenting without alcohol, almost as if my sobriety is a unique talent. I often share my story—the influence of my father, my faith—but some still press for a justification, as if my reasons aren’t valid enough.
Many parents seem to view sobriety with suspicion or skepticism, which can be isolating. I’ve been asked if I live like a monk or if my life is dull without alcohol. In reality, parenthood is anything but boring. I experience every moment—joyful and challenging—with clarity. I cherish the memories I create with my children, embracing the stress and love that comes with the territory. I enjoy the financial benefits of not drinking and the peace of mind that comes from knowing my children won’t have to navigate the pitfalls of alcohol abuse as I did.
At its core, my decision to abstain from alcohol is deeply personal. It is shaped by my past and a desire to protect my family from the same fate that befell my father. The unfortunate reality is that being a non-drinking parent can sometimes lead to feelings of exclusion. Other parents may feel uneasy inviting me over, fearing I’ll be the sober “downer” at social gatherings.
If you have a friend or acquaintance who chooses not to drink, please recognize that this is a personal decision deserving of respect. They are not odd or untrustworthy; they simply choose a different path. Invite them out, be supportive, and refrain from pressuring them to drink. Understand that their reasons are significant to them, and that’s what truly matters.
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In summary, being a sober parent is a personal choice rooted in my past experiences. While it can lead to feelings of isolation, it’s essential for others to recognize and respect this decision. Parenting is a fulfilling journey, and sobriety allows me to fully engage with my children and their lives.