A few years back, I found myself at the dining room table, watching my children gleefully sledding down the snowy hill in our backyard. Was it 2015? 2016? The specifics escape me, but what remains vivid are the feelings of joy and contentment I experienced that day. Those moments are etched in my memory, bringing warmth whenever I reflect on them. Yet, they also cast a shadow over my heart.
That day was marked by a beautiful ice storm, leaving a stunning scene in its wake. The heavy ice clung to the towering pine trees, and the crunchy, glistening snow seemed to sparkle in the afternoon light. As I sat in my home, listening to my children laugh and watching our dog chase them down the hill, I felt completely present and lost in the moment—a feeling I cherished deeply.
Later that evening, my then-husband stepped through the door, arms laden with treats from his coworkers. The kids swarmed around him, eagerly tearing into boxes filled with candy, nuts, and delicious fruits. Life with three kids is rarely perfect, but that day was a glimpse into the idyllic family life I had envisioned before becoming a parent.
Fast forward, and I’ve now been living in that same house without my ex-husband for nearly a year. After an incredibly challenging year, I began to sense a shift within myself this fall. The guilt that had weighed me down started to lift, and I woke up each morning feeling more hopeful and ready to embrace a new chapter. I had battled my inner demons and was finally ready to release some of the pain I clung to, believing I deserved to be punished for my choices.
Experiencing a divorce, especially as a parent, shakes your foundation. It forces you to reevaluate everything about yourself and your beliefs. You can find yourself in a dark place that seems impossible to escape from. Yet, as I began to emerge from that darkness, I realized I had the right to move forward, to be strong, and to find happiness again. I thought the holiday season would amplify this newfound joy.
Christmas has always held a special place in my heart, filled with magic and wonder. I naively believed that this year would bring me healing, allowing me to mend the fractures in my life. But I was mistaken.
In my attempt to uphold the traditions we once cherished as a family, I found myself feeling desperate. It became clear that I was clinging to something that no longer existed. I purchased a white artificial tree—something I had always wanted—only to feel a wave of guilt wash over me. Was it too soon to start new traditions?
The day the tree arrived, I was both thrilled and conflicted. I grappled with the question of why I felt the need to create new memories so soon after my divorce. A few weeks later, the first snow blanket covered the ground. As I parked my car after dropping the kids off at school, memories of that fateful day flooded back, overwhelming me. I rushed inside and baked my children’s favorite cookies, tears streaming down my face.
I felt trapped between two worlds: one where I couldn’t let go of the past and another where I was hesitant to embrace the new. The holidays magnified my pain, leaving me feeling lost. One moment I was joyous, and the next, I was consumed by regret and nostalgia for my previous life.
It’s possible to know that moving on is the right choice and still be overwhelmed by the past; I certainly didn’t expect those emotions to resurface during the holidays. I had hoped this festive season would help me overcome lingering sadness, not amplify it.
Perhaps it’s a reminder that healing is a process, and change often stirs deep emotions. While I’ve been reminded of the many wonderful blessings in my life, I’ve also been forced to confront the reality of how I arrived here. To avoid breaking under the weight of it all, I’ve decided to let the season unfold naturally, allowing myself to feel whatever emotions arise.
Navigating the holidays post-divorce has proven to be more challenging than I anticipated. When you experience a life-altering event, reminders of your past will inevitably surface throughout your life. It’s a part of the journey, the transformation, and the healing process, regardless of the time of year.
So, I’ve chosen to ease the pressure of the holidays and simply exist in the moment. I believe that I will be okay.
Recently, we were hit by another ice storm. As I woke up to find the deck transformed into a winter wonderland, my daughter came downstairs and exclaimed, “Mom, this is my favorite tree we’ve ever had.” Slowly but surely, we navigate the tough parts of life. The holidays can amplify both joy and sorrow. I’m learning to loosen my grip on expectations and not rely solely on this time of year to heal me.
I don’t need fixing; I just need to allow my feelings to ebb and flow, as that’s all I know how to do at this moment.
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Summary
This article reflects on the emotional complexities of navigating the holiday season after a divorce, sharing personal anecdotes and insights. It emphasizes the importance of allowing oneself to feel a range of emotions during this challenging time and the need to let go of traditional expectations, embracing healing instead.