When I was a teenager, I stumbled upon a magazine article that claimed women in their forties experienced the most fulfilling sexual encounters due to heightened hormones and being in their sexual prime. The writer touted statistics that suggested women in their 40s were having a phenomenal time, while those in their twenties had plenty to anticipate. Sitting on my bed, I couldn’t help but wonder if I really wanted to wait twenty-four years to enjoy the best sex of my life. At that time, forty seemed ancient for still being sexually active.
Fast forward to today, at forty-two, married with two kids, and I’m calling nonsense on that magazine article. I’m still waiting for those so-called raging hormones to kick in for a daily rendezvous with my husband. And I suspect he’s waiting, too. That article was just the first of countless pieces I’ve seen suggesting how often I should be having sex. Depending on the source, it ranges from seven times a week to twice a day while standing on my head. Honestly, it’s all a blur.
What I’ve realized is that sexual satisfaction is personal. Contrary to what I once believed, I don’t need to be swinging from chandeliers to feel fulfilled. In fact, as I’ve aged, I’ve found that I require much less sexual activity than those articles suggested. Sometimes, my husband and I experience a dry spell, and that’s perfectly okay. I stopped putting faith in the endless advice about sexual frequency a long time ago. Let’s be real: if I’m not having sex regularly, it doesn’t mean my lady parts will wither away. Your body remembers how to have fun when the opportunity arises, so stop fretting about the number of times you engage in intimacy and focus on enjoying the moments you do get.
Experiencing a lull in your sex life doesn’t indicate a rift between you and your partner or signal impending doom for your relationship. Dry spells don’t mean infidelity is on the horizon or that you’ll wake up one day wondering where the passion went. In fact, it simply means that sometimes, life’s demands—like raising kids and managing careers—can zap your sexual energy. You’re not slacking off in your relationship or letting yourselves go. You’re still connecting, cuddling, and showing affection in various ways. Sometimes, a passionate moment when the kids aren’t around can be just as exhilarating as sex. Trust me on this.
I’m completely at ease when my husband is uninterested when I am, and vice versa. That’s part of the territory in a long-term relationship. Sex may not always be at the forefront of parenting priorities, and that’s normal. There’s no need to panic if it’s been a while since you’ve been intimate with your partner. Quality trumps quantity, especially when it comes to sex. I’d rather have one exhilarating encounter during nap time a few times a month than force a session just because some article said we should be more active. After years of marriage, it’s all about intention and quality. Family chaos doesn’t allow for spontaneous bedroom adventures; long-term sex needs planning and cooperation, especially when it comes to kids. If the stars don’t align for that rare moment of intimacy, exhausted parents will always choose sleep over a moment ruined by a child’s late-night surprise.
So yes, I’ve learned that forty is not too old for a fulfilling sexual life. I forgive that magazine author for making me think I’d be having sex as frequently as rabbits. But I won’t lie—sex in your 40s can be fantastic, primarily because I’ve spent years figuring out what I enjoy. I look forward to what my 50s will bring. If that means occasional dry spells, I’m okay with it. As the saying goes, good things come to those who wait, and there’s something exhilarating about the tension that builds during a dry spell. Sometimes, it may feel like the Sahara in my bedroom, but when it rains, it pours, and trust me, getting soaked every now and then is definitely not a bad thing.
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