Dear Me,
You’re on the brink of receiving news that, deep down, you sensed was coming. Since that ultrasound revealed soft markers for Down syndrome, you’ve been dreading this moment—the call that will send your 20-week pregnant self to the cold, tiled floor of your new rental home.
As you sob and struggle to articulate your feelings to your mom, your mind races back to every negative thought you’ve ever had about Down syndrome. You remember the 8-year-old girl who felt uneasy around a teenage boy in a hotel pool, and the blurry college photo where a friend jokingly remarked that you looked like you had “downs.” You also recall telling your mother-in-law how remarkable it was that her son connected with children who had special needs, while you firmly stated that you couldn’t be a mom to a child with special needs.
But now, here you are. Everything feels shattered, yet what you don’t realize is that this baby inside you is beginning to piece everything back together. Those parts of yourself that you’ve come to despise? They will transform because of him.
The doctor you’ll meet will tell you that the biggest hope for your son is to one day mop the floors of a fast food restaurant. You’ll accept that notion for a time, grieving in ways you never thought possible. There will be nights spent on the bathroom floor, and mornings that will hit harder when the warm sunlight streaming through your windows reminds you that this is your reality, not a dream.
Then, a flicker of hope will start to emerge. You may not be able to use your journalism skills in this small town, but you can harness them to pull yourself out of the darkness.
You’ll discover school inclusion, learn about college programs for young adults with Down syndrome, and meet a fellow mom who introduces you to the Down Syndrome Diagnosis Network—an organization devoted to reshaping the diagnosis experience, just like the one you’ve endured.
I wish I could erase the pain you’re feeling right now, but I wouldn’t want to. This pain will propel you into new passions. You once told the stories of others; now you have your own narrative to share. This journey will resonate with thousands, providing them with the encouragement they need. Your struggles will ignite a fire within you for advocacy—volunteering, studying disability courses, and writing to contribute to a meaningful change for families affected by Down syndrome.
I wouldn’t wish away this hurt because your son is not just your son without his extra chromosome. And you are not destined to become who you’re meant to be without him.
Many of your fears are unfounded—concerns about how this will impact your daughter, whether you’ll ever travel again, or if you can navigate this journey without your family’s support. While it won’t be easy, your life will become busier with appointments and demands, pushing you to give more of yourself. Remember to ask for help when needed, but understand that this busyness is ultimately for your son’s benefit and will refine you further.
On New Year’s Eve, you will welcome that almond-eyed boy into the world. He will gaze into your eyes, and in that moment, your soul will be both pierced and transformed. You will experience two births that day—his arrival and a rebirth of yourself.
Dear you, this is not the end of your life. Instead, it marks the beginning of a new and improved chapter.
With love,
You — three years later
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Summary
In this heartfelt letter to her past self, the author reflects on the emotions and fears experienced upon learning of her child’s Down syndrome diagnosis. She emphasizes the transformative power of this experience, highlighting the journey from despair to advocacy and self-discovery. Through a candid narrative, she reassures herself that the challenges ahead will lead to growth, a deeper understanding of love, and a renewed sense of purpose.