When my daughter, Lily, was a newborn, she had this adorable habit of shaking her tiny fists in the air as she drifted off to sleep. It was a typical involuntary reflex—like the jerky movements and eye-rolls we often see in infants. Little did we realize, this was her first demonstration of defiance.
From the very beginning, Lily was determined to assert her will. Every time we attempted to place her in a baby carrier, she’d stiffen her legs as if trying to climb out. Whether it was during nursing, napping, or riding in the car seat, she seemed to resist at every turn. Sleep was a battleground; despite consulting numerous parenting books, it would take her at least an hour to settle down for the night.
Traditional parenting techniques, such as redirection, fell flat for her. For instance, when we would say, “No, don’t touch those sharp scissors! How about this fun toy instead?” she’d remain fixated on the scissors. It wasn’t just playthings; once she had her mind set on something, it was nearly impossible to change it.
While parenting methods may work for most children, they often proved ineffective for Lily. However, she isn’t a bad kid—at school, she is well-behaved, saving most of her fiery spirit for home. Most of the time, she is an absolute joy—intelligent, articulate, and affectionate. She’s passionate about her interests and loves spending time with family and close friends. When she finds a book series she enjoys, she devours it in one sitting.
Yet, when things don’t go her way, she can quickly become overwhelmed with emotion, displaying a temper and a short fuse. Now that she’s 8, her stubbornness has become somewhat easier to manage. While every strong-willed child has unique traits, here are five strategies that have worked for us:
1. Involve Your Strong-Willed Child in Decision-Making
When we anticipate resistance, we try to give Lily a sense of involvement. For example, when we established an allowance system, we sat down together to discuss responsibilities. We invited her to help create a list and decide how to phrase it. Ultimately, we maintained the final say, but she felt included and empowered.
2. Avoid Comparisons with Other Kids
Some children are more compliant than others, and just because your child is more headstrong doesn’t mean you’re parenting incorrectly. Lily was born with a fierce spirit; that’s simply her nature.
3. Recognize the Future Potential of Strong-Willed Kids
Many strong-willed children grow up to be powerful, confident adults—think lawyers, activists, or entrepreneurs. While it can be challenging to parent a future leader trapped in a child’s body, it’s important to appreciate this strength.
4. Offer Unconditional Love and Praise
Lily, my most stubborn child, is also the one who craves affection the most. She might not always seek it out, so I make an effort to shower her with love, even if it means tackling her for silly hugs. I’ve noticed that spending extra one-on-one time together helps when her behavior becomes challenging.
5. Manage Your Own Frustration
Intense reactions can escalate conflicts. It’s crucial to keep your emotions in check. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, and even enjoying a glass of wine have helped me maintain my sanity. Remember, some of that stubbornness comes from one of her parents (not naming names!), so a little empathy goes a long way.
As she approaches her tween and teen years, I know I’ll need to adapt my strategies again. I hope she continues to view her parents as a safe haven, knowing that no matter what limits she pushes or principles she stands by, we will always be there to support her. Like any parent, I aim to teach her how to manage her strong feelings while assuring her that she is loved unconditionally for the extraordinary, passionate, and intelligent person she is—even with all her strong-willed emotions.
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