Kids can be downright disgusting, and their disregard for cleanliness often leads to shocking discoveries. Just the other day, I stumbled upon a sticky, slobbery clump of chewed candy on the bathroom floor near the toilet. Which of my three lovely children was responsible for this mystery? It was anyone’s guess, but it was clear that one of them had decided they no longer wanted that sugary delight.
Once a chewy treat—perhaps a Starburst or one of those bizarre fruit-flavored Tootsie Rolls—it now sat as a gooey mess, creating an unsightly spectacle in my bathroom. I mean, the area around the toilet isn’t exactly a sterile environment, but this was taking it to a whole new level.
With a sigh, I pried the gummy mass off the floor and tossed it into the toilet, thinking it would happily swirl away to join all the other unpleasant things (literally!) that go down there. As I relieved myself, I glanced into the bowl to see if the candy had vanished, only to find it stubbornly clinging to the side like some grotesque fruity barnacle. I certainly wasn’t about to retrieve it!
Being made of sugar, I figured it would dissolve eventually. Right? Or so I hoped.
A short while later, while folding laundry in the adjacent room, my husband entered the bathroom. “Uh, Honey?” he called. “Is there candy in the toilet? Do I even want to know why?”
I filled him in on the situation, suggesting he might be able to dislodge it with a well-aimed stream of pee. He accepted the challenge—perhaps too eagerly for a man in his thirties—and took aim. Despite his laser-like precision, the candy remained firmly in place, even after a second flush.
As most moms know, I had bigger fish to fry, and quite frankly, I had no desire to fish it out. So I left it there for the time being.
Moments later, in the midst of preparing to leave the house, I told the kids it was time to use the bathroom. My son, Jake, who was just four years old at the time, went in. I heard him peeing, but there was a suspiciously long pause before he finally flushed. When he emerged, I noticed he was chewing something.
My heart sank. I didn’t want to ask the question, but I did anyway: “Jake, what’s in your mouth?”
“Just some candy,” he mumbled, his mouth full of gooey pink substance.
“And did you get it…” I swallowed hard, “from the toilet?”
He nodded as if it were the most normal thing in the world. Apparently, he had discovered a treasure in the toilet—a delightful surprise that brightened his otherwise mundane day. And then? He swallowed it.
To recap: My child ingested a piece of candy that had been chewed, spat out onto the bathroom floor, tossed into the toilet, soaked in toilet water for who knows how long, and even peed on by three different people. I was horrified and nauseated, while my husband was in stitches.
Fortunately, Jake survived the ordeal and is now nine years old. I take every opportunity to remind him of this incident whenever he turns up his nose at dinner, as if my cooking could possibly be worse than toilet candy. I also look forward to sharing this tale with his future significant other—just as they lean in for a kiss.
Ah, the (very gross) joys of parenting!
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Summary:
This humorous recounting of a parenting mishap illustrates the gross realities of having children. When one child accidentally ingests candy that had been discarded in the toilet, it leads to horror and laughter in equal measure. Parenting can be messy, but it also brings unforgettable stories.