As a parent, I often find myself navigating the complex world of social interactions, especially when it comes to physical affection. Recently, my toddler, Mia, shyly nestled her head into my shoulder as we met her grandparents for the first time in over six months. Although they were ecstatic about the reunion, Mia was not ready to embrace them. As they reached out eagerly, I felt her small hands clutching my back tighter. Part of me wanted to comfort my parents by handing her over, but deep down, I knew that would betray her feelings. The awkward group hug that ensued felt intrusive, and I couldn’t help but worry about disappointing them. Would they be hurt if she never offered them a hug?
Despite the pressure to conform, my husband and I have made a conscious decision not to force our children to show affection when they are uncomfortable, even if that means they don’t hug us. It’s hard to watch Mia sometimes refuse to greet her dad with a hug after a long day, but we respect her choice. While she freely gives me hugs and kisses throughout the day, there are moments when she simply doesn’t want to reciprocate the same affection towards him.
Growing up in the Midwest during the 1980s, I was taught to prioritize politeness and making others feel at ease. I was raised to consider the feelings of others, which instilled in me a strong sense of caretaking. I still value kindness, but I firmly believe that forcing our children to use their bodies to appease others can lead to harmful consequences. Forcing a reluctant child into an embrace with someone who makes them uneasy does not teach them good manners or respect; rather, it can teach them to disregard their own comfort and boundaries.
By empowering our children to decide when and with whom they share physical affection, we help them take control of their own bodies. This principle is vital for safeguarding them against potential abuse. The Parenting Safe Children workshop emphasizes the importance of allowing kids to set their own boundaries regarding physical interactions. It’s critical to recognize that these seemingly benign social customs can inadvertently set the stage for unhealthy dynamics in relationships later on.
For instance, if a young girl feels she must hug her cousin to avoid hurting his feelings, or a boy permits unwanted tickling by a neighbor, these scenarios can lead to more severe issues down the line. While it’s essential to learn how to graciously accept gifts we may not desire or to avoid being brutally honest about a dish we don’t enjoy, we should never sacrifice our bodily autonomy to please others.
Teaching children that they have the right to refuse unwanted affection can extend beyond just safeguarding them from abuse. It may empower our daughters to feel comfortable saying no to sexual advances until they are truly ready. If girls are conditioned to prioritize others’ comfort over their own, they may find it challenging to establish healthy boundaries in their relationships. This mindset can also lead to unhealthy situations, such as engaging in sexual activities to please partners or tolerating unsatisfactory relationships.
By refraining from teaching our children to prioritize others’ feelings over their own well-being, we set them on a path to healthier relationships in the future. This practice not only helps them protect themselves but also equips them to teach their own children about establishing healthy boundaries.
While this approach may disappoint grandparents, a simple wave or air-kiss is a small sacrifice for the greater good of our children’s emotional and physical safety. Who knows? Maybe the next time Mia sees her grandparents, she will run into their arms—when she feels ready.
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Summary:
This article discusses the importance of allowing children to choose when and with whom they want to express affection. By not forcing hugs or physical interactions, parents empower their children to maintain control over their bodies, fostering emotional safety and healthy boundaries that can have lasting effects on their relationships.