I recently discovered that our lawn had become a wild jungle, unkempt and overgrown. I could practically hear the lions lurking in the tall grass, ready to pounce on unsuspecting squirrels. My partner, Alex, mentioned he’s been trying to find time to mow it for weeks, while I remained blissfully unaware that it was even an issue.
How did we end up here? Simply put, I don’t care about the lawn, so tasks related to its upkeep don’t even cross my mind.
Over the past few months, I’ve stumbled upon numerous articles discussing emotional labor and the mental load that often weighs heavily on women. I occasionally feel the urge to share these pieces with Alex, not to guilt him or suggest he’s falling short—he does a lot around the house. Instead, I seek affirmation for the myriad of tasks that leave me feeling exhausted. Sharing these articles helps me feel acknowledged.
My mental load is not something I’m looking to pass off, nor does it seem feasible. Unless I want to add the mental gymnastics of coordinating our schedules, grocery lists, and household tasks to the mix, it’s going to stick around for a while. But honestly, that doesn’t bother me because I know I’m not the only one carrying a mental load in this partnership.
I view our relationship as a true partnership. Alex splits the household responsibilities with me and has never complained. There hasn’t been a formal discussion about who handles what; we both understand what needs to be done, and it gets done—somehow. We don’t keep score of who washed the dishes last week; if I haven’t done them, Alex steps in. If he hasn’t and I can’t, I simply ask, and he’s quick to help.
I count myself among the fortunate ones. Many of my friends, according to my informal polling, are partnered with men who seem indifferent to household chores, cooking, and even basic parenting tasks. I know women—yes, multiple women—whose partners have never done laundry or changed a diaper, let alone dealt with the joys of parenting.
When I’m feeling worn out or forgetful by day’s end, Alex understands why. He does whatever he can to ease my burden because he knows I’m also working tirelessly to support him. We’re in this marriage together, and it’s not about splitting tasks evenly; it’s about both of us giving 100% and blending our efforts to meet each other’s needs.
Has Alex ever unprompted picked up a toilet brush and scrubbed like a pro? Nope. But if I need him to, he doesn’t hesitate to step up. The mental task of remembering to ask him to clean the toilet is far less daunting than doing it myself.
Requesting help from Alex feels as natural as asking my doctor for a prescription refill or a waiter for extra napkins. My doctor knows I’ll need that refill, just as a waiter sees me with two kids and anticipates my need for napkins. By asking instead of silently resenting the need, I ensure I get what I require.
I genuinely don’t care about the lawn’s state, and I don’t notice it—just as Alex doesn’t particularly care about the toilet’s cleanliness. We prioritize different things, but I know he’s giving his all, just as I am.
I might still share an article with him now and then to remind him of the mental clutter I navigate, but I also recognize that he alleviates a fair amount of that burden. If it ever becomes overwhelming, asking for help is a small price to pay.
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In summary, our partnership thrives on mutual support and understanding, where both partners contribute equally to the mental and physical workload, ensuring a balanced and harmonious home life.