After sharing my experience about how it was simpler to acquire a firearm than to obtain a restraining order, I anticipated some backlash. Unfortunately, I was met with the all-too-common dismissive remark: “A restraining order is just a piece of paper.” This mindset is not only misguided but also reflects a deeper issue within our societal perception of domestic violence.
This notion of victim-blaming is as pervasive as the myth that Napoleon was short or that touching a baby bird will lead to its mother rejecting it. My primary argument was that while previous domestic violence convictions can indicate a higher likelihood of severe violence, the actual number of abusers far exceeds the number of convictions. This discrepancy suggests a need for stricter measures on firearm access, as mere background checks often fail to capture the potential for violence.
Yet, in the face of this important message, many chose to glorify gun ownership, suggesting that a piece of paper wouldn’t protect anyone. Let’s be clear: the United States does not exist in isolation. We can compare our data with other developed nations. Yes, statistics matter, and they reveal truths that can’t be ignored.
I understand that if someone is determined to harm you, a restraining order may not stop them. I recognize that enforcement can be inconsistent. However, advising an abused woman that seeking legal protection is futile is unacceptable. The reality should not force victims to arm themselves like they’re in a battlefield due to the fragile egos of those who feel threatened by such protective measures.
Here’s why my restraining order was more than just a piece of paper:
- He Stopped Contacting Me. After he violated the order by calling me, I reported it to the police. They took action and charged him, which is precisely why restraining orders exist. A repeat violation would lead to felony charges.
- I Was No Longer Required to Interact with Him. My workplace terminated his employment after I obtained the restraining order. The internal investigator made it clear that they needed the legal backing of the order to act.
- I Could Assert My Right to Safety. When he sued me for wrongful termination, I was able to prevent him from being present in the courtroom due to the restraining order, allowing me a measure of peace during a stressful situation.
- I Avoided Victim-Blaming Questions. Documenting each instance of abuse created a paper trail that transformed “your word against his” into undeniable evidence. My documentation now occupies a dedicated box in my closet and a folder on the cloud.
- It Served as a Warning to Future Partners. When his next girlfriend discovered my restraining order, she reached out to me for advice regarding her children. Armed with this information, she chose to leave him.
- It Provided Validation. Confronting my abuser in court and having my concerns acknowledged by a judge was empowering. It dispelled the shame I carried and reinforced that my feelings were legitimate.
- It Facilitated Moving Forward. The restraining order allowed me to participate in programs that keep my address confidential, further ensuring my safety.
If you’re still with me, let’s address some common misconceptions regarding guns and domestic violence:
- “If he can’t get a gun, won’t he just use his hands?” This line of thinking is baffling. Instead of focusing on preventing violence, it seems easier to justify it. A determined individual may resort to violence, but let’s not accept that as the norm.
- “I’d never back down; I’d take matters into my own hands.” Suggesting that women should assume the responsibility of killing their abuser is not only unrealistic but deeply troubling. It’s a misconception that they should bear the weight of defending themselves against potential violence.
- “What if the person I want to report is someone famous?” It’s crucial to remember that no one is above the law, regardless of their status.
- “But criminals just buy guns illegally.” It’s important to focus on the real issue: the safety of women facing domestic violence, not the broader criminal market for guns.
To dismiss the importance of a restraining order is akin to telling someone not to wear a seatbelt because it won’t save them in every situation. It’s a form of victim-blaming that shifts the responsibility from the abuser to the victim. The priority should be on creating a safer environment for those at risk.
In conclusion, a restraining order is far more than just a piece of paper; it serves as a vital tool for protection and empowerment in the face of abuse. It is not merely a formality but a necessary measure that can save lives and validate the experiences of victims.
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