When I share that I’m a foster parent, I often hear the same well-meaning response, which can be incredibly painful. “I could never be a foster parent. I’d get too attached.”
Most of the time, I manage to smile and respond kindly, trying to gauge if the person is genuinely curious or just eager to change the subject. However, there are moments when those words sting deeply.
As innocuous as it may seem, the phrase “I’d get too attached” resonates with foster parents in a way that few other comments do. Here’s why:
- It overlooks the complexities of foster care. The truth is, not every child we care for is thrilled to be with us. They can express their anger and frustration in ways that are difficult to manage. Foster care is not straightforward; it’s filled with challenges and demands significant emotional labor. While forming attachments is part of the journey, it’s crucial to recognize the hard work that goes into it.
- It disregards the importance of attachment for foster children. Speaking about attachment as if it’s inherently negative is disheartening. Many of these children have never experienced a secure bond, which can lead to long-term emotional challenges. Learning to attach is vital for their development and future relationships.
- It implies that we, as foster parents, don’t get attached. The truth is, we do form deep connections with the children in our care. When a child leaves, it’s heartbreakingly painful. Our attachment is not just about our feelings; it’s about wanting what’s best for them, whether that means remaining with us or finding a permanent home elsewhere. Kids deserve to know they are worthy of love and attachment.
- It fails to consider the consequences of not fostering. If foster parents allow the fear of attachment to deter them from stepping up, where would these vulnerable children find a safe haven? Just as we have preferences for how we allocate our resources, we must also think about the responsibility we share in providing for children in need.
- It centers the conversation around the foster parent’s pain, neglecting the child’s needs. Focusing solely on our own attachment overlooks the more pressing issue: the child who needs love and stability. It’s essential to remember that our comfort is secondary to the care that these children require.
I’ve grown accustomed to responding to these comments, but they still resonate on tough days—like when I find myself missing my foster son who craved snuggles, even in his angriest moments, or when I wonder how my foster daughter is faring in her new home after losing contact with us.
If I could share one simple message, it would be this: “Go ahead, get too attached. It’s what children truly need.”
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Summary
The common response “I could never be a foster parent. I’d get too attached” often reflects a misunderstanding of the realities of foster care. It overlooks the complexities of attachment, the importance of bonding for children, and the impact of our own feelings. Emphasizing the needs of the children can help foster a more compassionate dialogue.