When I first heard the term “bipolar disorder” applied to me, a wave of panic engulfed me. I was filled with anger, and an overwhelming fear took hold. Or was it relief? Deep down, I had been anticipating this moment for quite some time. The signs had been undeniable. I oscillate between intense agitation and deep apathy, fluctuating from lethargy to high-energy productivity almost instantaneously.
My personality has a way of shifting rapidly. I often find myself making impulsive decisions, crafting elaborate plans on a whim, and even booking spontaneous vacations. I’ve toyed with the idea of expanding my family while simultaneously contemplating leaving it all behind. Sometimes, I feel the urge to get a new piercing or tattoo on a whim—a physical manifestation of my emotional state.
One moment, I’m joyfully dancing around my living room with my son or running for miles without a second thought; the next, I’m consumed by irritability and anger. While my running may be faster and more intense than ever, it feels less like a choice and more like an obligation driven by my manic state. I struggle to find a way to slow down.
However, hearing the diagnosis of bipolar disorder was a harsh reality to confront. It hit me hard. I didn’t feel any different than I did the day before, when I was simply “anxious” or “depressed.” Yet, in my mind, this label transformed my identity. I was no longer seen as quirky or creative; I was now classified as manic. The term “bipolar” seemed to carry a weight that made me feel more unstable, more vulnerable.
I must admit, I’m not proud of my initial reaction. As someone who advocates for mental health awareness and strives to dismantle the stigma surrounding mental illness, I recognize the importance of acceptance. I would not feel this way if my partner, my sibling, or my closest friend shared the same diagnosis. Yet, I can’t ignore the shame that lingers within me. There’s a sense of anger and embarrassment that accompanies this label—feelings that are not merely “in my head.” While many people can empathize with anxiety or depression, bipolar disorder is often viewed as a “serious” ailment. The National Institute of Mental Health defines it as a brain disorder that leads to “unusual behaviors,” and media portrayals often amplify the stigma associated with it.
Unfortunately, bipolar disorder is frequently depicted in a negative light, leading to labels like “crazy” or “psychotic.” But the reality is that those of us with bipolar disorder are not “nuts” or “deranged.” In fact, we are more common than one might think; approximately 5.7 million American adults—around 2.6% of the population over 18—are affected by this condition. While there is no cure, bipolar disorder can be managed effectively.
At this moment, I am actively collaborating with my psychiatrist to establish a treatment plan that works for me, seeking the right medication to help stabilize my mood swings. I am not “better” yet, however. My emotions still cycle, and I continue to grapple with accepting the label of “bipolar.” Admitting “I have bipolar” is a significant hurdle for me.
Despite the fear, shame, and confusion that accompany this diagnosis, I am determined to move forward. I may still be in a state of struggle, but the silver lining is that I have gained clarity about my thoughts and feelings. Understanding my diagnosis opens the door for me to seek the appropriate help. Now, hope is on the horizon.
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Summary
Receiving a bipolar disorder diagnosis can be overwhelming and often brings a mix of emotions including fear, shame, and confusion. This article explores the author’s journey through acceptance, emphasizing the importance of understanding and managing the condition while recognizing the stigma associated with it. With the right support and treatment, there is hope for a brighter future.