As a mother, I often find myself carrying an invisible weight that seems to follow me everywhere. This past weekend, I attended a work retreat, leaving my husband to manage our busy household and our three children for two and a half days. Despite his ability to handle things, the reality is that the intricate details of our family’s schedule reside in my mind—like a silent script I can never forget.
My husband, like many dads, is perfectly capable of juggling the kids’ activities, as he has all the essential dates on his calendar. However, he lacks the mental notes I’ve accumulated over the years. For example, he might not remember that our youngest’s soccer jersey was just washed and still drying. He isn’t considering who needs to give our middle schooler a ride or that our teenager needs to bring brownies to a volleyball gathering and has to hand over $20 for the pizza and coach’s gift.
This isn’t due to a lack of competence or concern on his part. Rather, it illustrates the way motherhood often necessitates a mental checklist that remains unseen. When I request his help, he responds, even if it’s not in the manner or timeframe I prefer. He has his own mental list, but it doesn’t revolve around our home life.
There’s also the emotional aspect of asking for assistance. Sometimes, it feels urgent for me, and I grapple with feelings of nagging or wonder why he can’t simply anticipate what needs to be done. These dynamics lead to ongoing discussions between us, and they’re becoming more prevalent in conversations across social media.
If I hadn’t provided him with a detailed schedule, the weekend might have unfolded smoothly, but it would have brought about unnecessary stress for both him and the kids. More importantly, my own anxiety would have heightened without the confidence that he was aware of the logistics. Leaving that schedule allowed me to offload a portion of my mental load, even if just for a couple of days.
Of course, I put in considerable effort to prepare for my absence. I completed the laundry, filled the fridge, paid bills ahead of time, wrapped a birthday gift, and even baked brownies the morning I flew out. Still, even with all that preparation, my mind was already racing about the upcoming week: the dog’s medication, scheduling a dental appointment for the youngest, snacks for the soccer tournament, Halloween costumes, and coordinating trick-or-treating plans.
Am I venting? Yes, a little. This mental load contributes to my anxiety, disrupts my sleep, and ultimately drains my energy. What I’m beginning to recognize is the invisible labor we women often bear—the responsibility of managing not just logistics but also the emotions of everyone around us: children, partners, extended family. It raises questions about how to shift this paradigm and whether it truly stems from gendered expectations.
I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I decided to step back and stop doing everything. Would my family figure out dinner on their own? Could they manage to transport themselves to activities? Would they find their own gear and bake their own treats? Eventually, yes. If not, I suspect life would carry on regardless.
The real question is: how can I redefine my mental load? Who dictates this work—me, societal norms, or a patriarchal framework? What does it mean to release my anxiety about the emotional states of those around me, whether it’s my kids or my husband?
I hoped for a breakthrough during my weekend away, free from the weight of my responsibilities. While I enjoyed the company of a group of intelligent and vibrant women, I didn’t have any profound realizations. Instead, I returned home to a household in its usual state of organized chaos, with the kids fed and engaged in their activities. Though I found a stray piece of dog food on the floor and needed to load the dishwasher, the house was functioning.
And the schedule? It probably served its purpose and ended up in the recycling bin. As I snuggled into bed that night, I welcomed a moment of tranquility, appreciating the brief reprieve from the incessant lists and obligations.
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In summary, the mental load of motherhood is a pervasive challenge that many women face. It involves not just the logistics of family life but also the emotional labor that often goes unnoticed. Recognizing this burden is the first step toward redefining it and finding balance within our busy lives.