In July 2011, at a charming restaurant they both adored, Alex Thompson and Jamie Carter clicked immediately on their first date. Their mutual love for the Harry Potter series served as a great conversation starter, and they quickly found common ground. Surprisingly, they also discussed their aspirations of starting a family one day—a topic not commonly broached on first dates.
Talk of magical families and future children didn’t deter them; four years later, Alex and Jamie tied the knot, exchanging Potter-themed wedding rings and merging their last names to become the Carters. Their wedding coincided with a significant moment in history: the legalization of same-sex marriage in the United States.
Following their wedding, Alex and Jamie embarked on the journey of parenthood through surrogacy. Jamie’s role as a public school teacher granted him access to comprehensive health insurance via Aetna, covering 90% of in vitro fertilization (IVF) costs up to $100,000. This generous coverage was a blessing, especially considering the myriad expenses associated with bringing a child into the world.
However, this excellent IVF policy does not extend to surrogates. Since surrogacy is the sole way for two men to have a biological child, Alex and Jamie have been battling for over two years against this inequitable policy. Aetna claims they are not discriminating against same-sex couples, asserting that they do not cover IVF through surrogates for anyone. While this may be technically correct, it does not negate the fact that they are denying equal opportunities for gay couples to start families. Straight couples have various reproductive options covered by insurance, whereas gay men have only one—IVF with a surrogate. By excluding surrogates from their coverage, Aetna effectively discriminates against gay men based on gender.
“It’s akin to covering vasectomies while denying tubal ligation and claiming there’s no discrimination because it applies to everyone,” says Jamie Carter. “Maintaining this policy means covering one gender’s needs while banning another’s for the same purpose.” Surrogacy should be an option available to any couple facing fertility challenges, regardless of sexual orientation. The financial strain of IVF should not be a barrier any family has to face. Moreover, while some may suggest adoption as an alternative for couples lacking IVF coverage, the choice to have a biological child is still crucial. Adoption presents its own financial challenges and often entails a complex, bureaucratic process that can be particularly daunting for LGBTQ couples.
Over the past two years, the Carters have collaborated with lawyers, advocates, and lawmakers at both state and federal levels to push for equal access to family planning and building benefits for LGBTQ couples. The emotional toll of this journey has been significant. “For most couples, stress peaks during the IVF cycle itself. Questions like, ‘Will the embryo survive?’ or ‘How many cycles do we have left?’ are common. We haven’t even reached that stage yet,” Alex explains, highlighting the emotional exhaustion they have endured.
While some progress has been made—states like Hawaii and certain private companies now offer equal health benefits to both straight and gay couples—Alex and Jamie believe that true equity will not arrive in Virginia soon enough. They have recently set up a GoFundMe page to help cover out-of-pocket IVF expenses and to compensate a surrogate when they find one.
Recently, the Carters faced another setback: their selected surrogate had to withdraw due to an unexpected medical issue. Despite this blow, they remain optimistic about finding the right person to help them grow their family, actively exploring all available options. Friends and family have also been reaching out to find a willing and medically fit woman to carry their future child.
The fight for LGBTQ rights is far from over. While the right to marry has been achieved, society still falls short in providing equal access and protections for LGBTQ families. Nothing less than full equity is acceptable.
For those considering alternative paths to parenthood, resources like Make a Mom and Modern Family Blog offer valuable insights into family planning. Additionally, Wikipedia serves as an excellent resource for understanding artificial insemination and home insemination options.
Summary
Alex and Jamie Carter’s journey to parenthood highlights the challenges faced by same-sex couples when navigating surrogacy and IVF. Despite having excellent insurance coverage for IVF, their struggle against the lack of support for surrogates reveals systemic discrimination. As they fight for equitable family planning options, their experience reflects the ongoing battle for LGBTQ rights and the need for broader access to reproductive services.