As a young adult, I was taken aback the first time someone inquired if I had ever experienced harm or had my physical boundaries violated. I had spent over eight years in therapy addressing issues like anxiety, depression, and eating disorders. My honest response was, “Yes, which time would you like to discuss?” While the specifics of my experiences are not the focus here, they have shaped my understanding of the importance of this conversation.
It is essential to have open dialogues with your children about abuse, regardless of their age. You must ask them directly and prepare yourself for any response. Why? Because if you don’t ask, they might remain silent. I concealed my own experiences for nearly a decade, even while receiving care from therapists and counselors. My parents believed they understood my struggles and were providing the necessary support, but they never asked the right questions. The guilt and shame I carried were so overwhelming that I didn’t feel I could speak up.
Unfortunately, many children and teens try to reach out to trusted adults—parents, teachers, or friends—about their experiences with abuse. However, the majority do not. Alarmingly, some even confide in individuals who fail to believe them or, worse, contribute to hiding the abuse. I remember calling a friend after my first assault, only to be dismissed and accused of seeking attention. This led me to bury my pain even deeper. I endured numerous harmful situations, convinced I deserved them, as predators often target those already in distress.
Adults may misinterpret children’s behaviors, seeing only signs of sadness or typical “acting out.” Young children who regress, such as bedwetting or experiencing sudden mood swings, are often labeled as having adjustment issues or just going through a phase. Kids are inherently unpredictable, making it difficult for parents to discern deeper issues. This is why asking direct questions is so vital.
Now, as a parent to a 2-year-old daughter, I grapple with the desire to shield her from the harsh realities of the world. I wish she could go through life without fear of potential harm from sleepovers, babysitters, or even family members. However, my greater fear is not knowing if she has ever experienced abuse. I worry she might feel too ashamed to confide in me about any wrongdoing.
That’s why I will ask her if anyone has ever made her feel scared, uncomfortable, or hurt. I will teach her the difference between “okay touches” and “not-okay touches” and emphasize that she is not obliged to show affection if she doesn’t want to, even to close family. She has the right to set boundaries around her body, and I will ensure she knows that I need to be informed if anyone violates those rules.
As she grows older, I will continue to ask her about her experiences and feelings. I’ll inquire if she has ever been pressured to go beyond her comfort zone or if any situation felt wrong. I’ll create an environment where discussing these matters feels normal, so she won’t hesitate to speak up.
Don’t let discomfort or fear stop you from initiating these crucial conversations. Your children’s safety and well-being depend on it.
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In summary, it’s imperative to engage with your children about the topic of abuse. By fostering an open dialogue, you can help ensure they feel safe and supported in sharing their experiences, ultimately empowering them to seek help when needed.