When it comes to grandparenting, the experiences can vary widely, as I’ve discovered in my own family. My partner, Sarah, and I are parents to three wonderful children, and after more than a decade together, it’s clear that our parents have distinctly different approaches to grandparenthood.
Sarah’s parents embody a more traditional mindset, often suggesting, “Why don’t you drop the kids off at our place? We miss them!” This usually leads to our kids returning home on a sugar high, courtesy of candy and fast food, with the impression that all our household rules have been temporarily suspended.
And you know what? That’s perfectly fine with me. I understand that they live in Idaho while we’re based in Oregon, so their time with our children is limited. They cherish those moments and make the most of them, and we let them spoil the kids a bit.
However, their visits come with their own pros and cons. While we benefit from some much-needed assistance around the house, the usual bedtime routine often gets thrown out the window. Plus, hosting family for an extended period can feel a bit overwhelming, no matter how much you love them.
On the other hand, my mother takes a different approach to being a grandparent. Since my father passed away when I was just 19, it’s just her now. She’s remarried, but my stepdad tends to keep to himself. My mom is more of the “You’ve had your hour” type of grandmother. She lives in Utah and is great at sending thoughtful gifts, always remembering holidays and birthdays. When the kids visit her, they enjoy treats and her home is adorned with family photos. Importantly, she respects our space and often asks what the household rules are, which I deeply appreciate.
If I were to compare our two sets of grandparents, my mom and Sarah’s parents represent two opposite ends of the spectrum. While I can’t say they dislike each other, their vastly different lifestyles and parenting philosophies lead me to believe they wouldn’t mesh well if they ever met.
This brings me to a vital point—grandparents are not all the same. Some are completely disengaged, while others may be too involved, offering unsolicited advice or critiquing parenting choices. We all know someone with a grandparent who fits one of those molds.
I can’t help but think there are some grandparents who strike the perfect balance, seamlessly fitting into their roles without stepping on toes. They offer sage advice when it’s needed and respect boundaries without overstepping. However, in my experience, those ideal grandparents seem to exist only on television.
In reality, many of us find ourselves occasionally venting about our relationships with our parents or in-laws, and I know Sarah and I are no exception. I suspect that our parents may also have opinions about how we raise our children. None of us believes we are completely failing, yet we all have our own perspectives.
As a parent navigating the complexities of raising kids in a rapidly changing world, I recognize that I’m bound to make mistakes along the way. My children face different challenges than I did growing up, and they are distinct individuals who respond differently than I or Sarah did at their age. We all yearn for understanding and grace, yet we often struggle to extend that same compassion to our parents.
Just as we are learning how to be effective parents, they too are figuring out their roles as grandparents. They’re navigating this new phase of life and adjusting their expectations. Perhaps it’s time we offer them some grace in return. After all, they love us and cherish our children enough to be involved in their lives. I know firsthand how tough parenting can be, and I appreciate that they didn’t abandon us during our most challenging moments.
Of course, I recognize that some grandparents may have serious issues, such as substance abuse, that can endanger our kids. If that’s your situation, my heart goes out to you. In those cases, it’s crucial to prioritize your children’s safety.
However, for those grandparents who are genuinely trying, let’s take a moment to acknowledge their efforts. Instead of focusing on what they do wrong, let’s celebrate what they do right. Reach out to them and express your gratitude for their involvement.
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In summary, while grandparents can vary significantly in their approaches to grandparenting, finding a way to appreciate their efforts may help foster better relationships. They love our kids and want to be part of their lives, so let’s extend them the benefit of the doubt and recognize their contributions to our family.