As the director of a tutoring center at a university, I recently found myself in a conversation with one of my student employees about his ideal partner. This young man, in his early twenties and a student athlete from a comfortable background, painted a picture of his “perfect” future wife that resembled a fantastical creature—akin to a unicorn.
He began by outlining his physical preferences. Like many men his age, he described a woman who was just the right height, had the perfect hair color, and an ideal body shape. He wanted someone who was both smart and funny, but also supportive, athletic, and into video games. His list continued with traits like being good with children and having a fulfilling intimate life. He desired a laid-back partner who was also passionate about various causes, someone who was fashionable yet approachable.
After he finished, I posed a question that seemed to catch him off guard: “What happens when she changes?”
His response was a moment of silence. I pressed on, “What if she becomes more focused on the children and less on athletics? What if her interests shift away from video games and she decides to pursue a law degree instead? Or what if after a challenging pregnancy, her body changes in ways you didn’t expect? Are you still going to love her?”
The quiet in the room felt profound, as he pondered my words.
Reflecting on my own marriage, I realized how much my wife, Sarah, and I have both transformed over the years. We’ve been married for over a decade and have three children. While I can’t recall the specifics of my expectations when I was younger, I know they were likely similar to my student’s. When Sarah and I first met, I thought she was everything I wanted.
Fast forward to today, and we are both different people. I’ve gained weight, switched careers multiple times, and my habits have changed—I’ve even developed the unfortunate habit of snoring. On the other hand, Sarah has become a vegetarian and returned to school unexpectedly. She sometimes skips showers for days because of our busy family life, and her hair now has hints of gray.
Despite these changes, our love persists, albeit not without its challenges. I remember one particularly tense moment when I was caught wiping a booger under the seat of Sarah’s new van. That could have been a deal-breaker right there. Or the time she received a speeding ticket and chose to keep it from me for over a year.
These changes, however, have not ended our relationship. We don’t grapple with substance issues or infidelity; we just face the reality that to sustain our marriage, some settling is necessary. This means accepting that neither of us is perfect and that sometimes we irritate each other. Our bodies have shifted in unexpected ways, which is part of the journey of a long-term relationship.
After a brief silence, I commended my student on his high standards—there’s nothing wrong with wanting the best. But I advised him to focus not on finding someone who meets all his initial expectations but rather on someone with whom he can grow. The truth is, both partners will change over time, and finding someone who accepts those changes is vital for a lasting marriage.
He seemed to absorb this perspective, albeit nervously. I shared my own experience, explaining that I hadn’t considered how much Sarah would evolve in ways I couldn’t foresee, just as I have. Yet, despite all the changes, the love we share has deepened. It required letting go of the idealized partner we envisioned and embracing the imperfect yet beautiful reality of our lives together.
For anyone reading this, particularly those who have been married for several years, this sentiment resonates. If you ever found your partner to be the “perfect fit,” remember that those circumstances will not remain static. Accepting each other’s imperfections and growing together is an essential part of a successful marriage. When both partners commit to this journey, life becomes richer and more fulfilling.
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In summary, marriage involves growth and compromise. While expectations may change, love can deepen through acceptance and shared experiences.