Parenting can often feel like navigating a minefield, especially when it comes to how we communicate with our children. Recent research has revealed that praising our kids for being “smart” may inadvertently increase their likelihood to cheat. This revelation has left many parents, including myself, feeling utterly exasperated. Should I just start communicating with my kids using grunts? Because at this point, it seems like every word is under scrutiny.
A recent study titled Praising Young Children for Being Smart Promotes Cheating, published in the journal Psychological Science, sheds light on this issue. Researchers from the United States, Canada, and China conducted an experiment with 300 preschoolers in China who played a guessing game. Some children were praised for their intelligence, others for their performance, and some received no praise at all. The findings were striking: those who were told they were “smart” were significantly more likely to cheat when the researchers left the room compared to those who received performance-based praise or none at all.
This study aligns with the extensive work of Carol Dweck from Stanford University, who has dedicated four decades to understanding the impact of a “growth mindset.” Children who believe their intelligence can develop tend to be more successful and motivated than those who are labeled as “smart.” It’s no surprise that kids who receive such labels might feel immense pressure to maintain that image, leading them to cheat when faced with challenges. While I wholeheartedly accept the validity of this research, it makes my brain ache. Soon, when my kids complete a math problem, I might just stare blankly at them and say, “You added.”
Reading through studies on effective ways to praise our children can be enlightening, yet they often leave parents feeling as if they’re tiptoeing through a negotiation with a hostage-taker: precarious and stress-filled. There’s an abundance of resources available that offer advice on how to compliment our kids effectively. For instance, an article in Parents Magazine titled How To Praise Your Kids provides ten practical tips, such as avoiding excessive praise, focusing on effort, utilizing body language, being truthful, and steering clear of sarcasm. While these suggestions seem reasonable, putting them into practice can feel a bit robotic.
Consider a scenario where your child excitedly shows you their latest drawing. Instead of responding naturally, you might find yourself saying, “Well, you’ve created a drawing that resembles a sun, though suns typically don’t have faces. You’ve certainly utilized a lot of yellow, and while people generally have more than three fingers, I appreciate your effort. With more practice, I believe you can improve.” If another adult spoke to you like this, you’d likely think they were insufferably pretentious. Imagine if your boss acknowledged your hard work on a project with such a clinical tone—you’d be convinced your job was on the line.
No one is suggesting that praise is inherently bad, but it’s essential not to let research paralyze our ability to compliment our children. If you hesitate before offering a kind word, your child will likely pick up on that uncertainty. We all want to support our kids and it’s clear that saying, “I’m really impressed by how hard you’ve been working on that song!” is far more beneficial than declaring, “You played the best rendition of Hot Cross Buns that has ever been heard in the history of music—you’re a genius!” Children deserve to hear that they are cherished and valued, and we should express that sentiment, provided it’s balanced with genuine honesty and encouragement.
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In summary, while the latest research on parental praise offers valuable insights, it’s crucial not to overthink our interactions with our children. Striking a balance between encouragement and honesty can foster a healthier environment for their growth. After all, they deserve to know how much they mean to us.