Parenting
Reflections on My Sexless Marriage
by Lisa Grant
Updated: Aug. 6, 2018
Originally Published: Sep. 15, 2017
Sexless marriage. Diminished desire. A lack of intimacy with the person I cherished. At 28, this was far from the life I envisioned for myself. Growing up, I always considered myself a sexual being; intimacy mattered significantly to me. Yet, shortly after entering a loving relationship, my desire plummeted. First, I noticed a lack of lubrication, followed by discomfort during intercourse. Overwhelmed with embarrassment and shame, I withdrew from my partner and avoided intimacy, preferring to immerse myself in household tasks instead.
I felt broken and unworthy, trapped in a cycle of harsh self-judgment. When all medical tests returned normal, I was met with the prevailing belief that it’s “normal” for women to experience a decline in libido in long-term relationships. I wanted to scream because nothing about this felt right to me.
Despite the doubts, my inner voice urged me to explore further. I embarked on a journey of self-discovery that revealed a missing connection to my own body, sexuality, and desires. I realized that reconnecting with myself was essential for a fulfilling life. Through this process, I learned to embrace my desires and pleasures, discovering that the journey to intimacy starts from within.
I can’t provide you with the secret to a fantastic sex life because only you hold the keys to your own fulfillment. But I can share the path to reconnecting with yourself, allowing you to feel liberated, vibrant, and confident. As an intimacy and sexuality coach, my goal is to inspire you to believe that you too can achieve this experience.
1. Desire Begins Within
In our society, the narrative often suggests that a woman’s desirability is key to her sexual life. I fell into this trap, focusing more on how I appeared to my partner rather than how I felt in my own skin. I prioritized his feelings over my own pleasure, not realizing that I had relinquished my own desire to him. I had never been taught to seek pleasure for myself.
I began asking myself: What do I truly want? What sensations bring me joy? It became clear that understanding and embracing my own desires required agency and self-awareness. Many individuals, regardless of gender, can relate to this struggle, often feeling the pressure to prioritize their partner’s pleasure over their own. But as we shed the shame surrounding self-focus, our bodies become more alive and responsive.
2. Pleasure is Essential
Let’s be candid: many times, I engaged in intimacy before my body was ready, often leading to discomfort. I held back from expressing my needs, fearing it might push my partner away. I convinced myself that I was fine, even as I yearned for more fulfilling experiences.
Here’s the truth every woman needs to hear: if sex isn’t pleasurable or aligned with your desires, your body will naturally resist it. Our bodies communicate through subtle cues, and when we ignore them, we miss out on the pleasure that is vital for our well-being. The absence of pleasure led to a withdrawal of my libido. Reconnecting with my body meant listening to its needs and advocating for my own pleasure.
3. The Power of Truth
Expressing my desires, confidently saying “no,” and sharing my emotional truth became profound turn-ons for me. Where I once felt anxiety, I discovered freedom by embracing vulnerability. I learned to expose my authentic self, which ultimately rekindled my desire for intimacy.
If you’re curious to explore this, consider speaking your truth, even in small increments. Notice how it feels in your body. This isn’t about overwhelming someone with revelations; it’s about fostering genuine connection through openness.
Ultimately, I longed for connection, yet I had to confront my fears to achieve it. This journey has shown me the importance of self-acceptance and the need for truthful interactions in all relationships.
For those considering family planning, you might find resources like the March of Dimes helpful. Additionally, if you’re interested in home insemination, check out this cryobaby home kit for more information.
In summary, my journey through a sexless marriage taught me invaluable lessons about self-discovery, the importance of pleasure, and embracing truth. These insights can empower anyone seeking a more fulfilling intimate life.