Parenting
How to Discuss Body Image with Your Daughters
by Jessica Taylor
Updated: May 14, 2020
Originally Published: September 14, 2017
On the second day of fourth grade, I walked my 9-year-old daughter Mia to school. As I was about to say goodbye, she asked if she could share something privately. My maternal instincts kicked in—was she being bullied? Did she get into trouble?
We found a quiet corner in the hallway where, nearly in tears, she confessed that she was walking strangely. “It’s because my stomach is too big,” she said, triggering a wave of negative self-talk. She demonstrated how she was bending her shoulders and waist to hide her “fat” stomach.
As a woman, I can relate to this struggle. But how is it possible that at just 9 years old, she already feels this way about herself? Unfortunately, societal pressure on girls to conform to a specific beauty standard starts as young as six and persists throughout their lives. While this problem isn’t new and seems unlikely to change anytime soon, I am determined to address it early for Mia and any other girl I can help. Through my 43 years of life, I’ve learned just how detrimental negative body image can be, leading to depression, unhealthy behaviors, and even eating disorders.
Let’s be honest: It’s tempting to accept blame for my daughter’s body image concerns. As mothers, our insecurities often bubble to the surface, forcing us to reevaluate everything we do and say, especially when it comes to shaping the self-esteem of our daughters.
I reflect on the times I’ve criticized my own body, how I’ve openly expressed dislike for my appearance—albeit not always in front of Mia. But she’s perceptive and can pick up on my discomfort, like when I avoid wearing a bathing suit. How can I expect her to develop a positive self-image if I don’t have one myself?
The good news is that I’m not alone; approximately 91% of college-aged women in the U.S. are dissatisfied with their bodies and often turn to dieting. Personally, I’m not a fan of dieting, which may explain my challenges. Only 8% of women naturally fit the idealized hourglass figure often glorified in media.
You can tell a child repeatedly that she isn’t “fat,” that her worth isn’t tied to what others think, and that her inner beauty matters most. But let’s be real—how effective is that? Those reassurances often don’t change how she feels or alleviate the societal pressures she faces. So, rather than wallowing in self-blame, I decided to create a Body Image Worksheet for my daughters. I’m not a therapist, just an engaged mom who pulled together this approach from my research, and it surprisingly worked for Mia. Perhaps it will help your daughters too.
Start with a Casual Talk
This conversation only took Mia and me about an hour. Get comfortable and stay focused. Listen attentively and respond to her questions. You might be surprised by what she reveals when she feels safe to open up.
Share Your Own Struggles
Kids appreciate honesty. Let her know that you too have insecurities about your body and that you’re working on improving your self-talk and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
Normalize Puberty
Puberty can begin as early as eight years old. During this time, girls may develop what’s often referred to as “baby fat,” leading to anxiety about their changing bodies. It’s important to explain that this is a natural part of development and that fat distribution shifts from the belly to the hips and breasts, ultimately creating a more womanly figure. I reassured Mia that she’s lucky to be experiencing these changes, emphasizing that it’s a time to celebrate.
Discuss the Pressure to Conform
If unaddressed, societal beauty standards can lead to severe mental health issues in teenage girls. I shared with Mia a YouTube video of a young woman discussing her struggles with bullying and eating disorders. We were both moved to tears, realizing that this brave girl could be any of us. Hearing from peers can help your child know she’s not alone. It’s crucial to be the one providing honest information so your daughter feels comfortable discussing sensitive topics with you. This builds trust and empowers her to navigate the pressures of beauty standards and bullying.
Self-Worth Beyond Appearance
Mia shared that a friend had been calling other girls “fat” and had also teased her about her “chubby” cheeks. This made Mia feel insecure about her changing body. I used her experience to illustrate that we are more than our physical appearances. If someone doesn’t appreciate all that we are, they may not deserve a place in our lives. Reinforce that her self-worth is intrinsic and not dictated by others’ opinions. Remind her that there is only one Mia, and she should show the world her true self.
Build Resilience
Life can be challenging, and it’s important for your daughter to understand that no one is perfect. Encourage her to learn and grow from her struggles while reminding her of her inner strength.
Highlight the Joy of Movement
Mia loves soccer. Ask your daughter what physical activities she enjoys—whether it’s dance, swimming, or just playing outside. Emphasize that movement is about feeling good, not just about appearance. Physical activity boosts mood, reduces stress, and contributes to overall well-being.
Activities to Reinforce Positive Body Image
- Explore Photoshop Effects: This activity really opened Mia’s eyes. She was shocked to discover that many images of celebrities are heavily edited. We found a “before” and “after” photo that showed how unnatural alterations can be. It helped her understand the impact of media on body image.
- Create Top 10 Lists: This exercise was most impactful. I had Mia write down her top ten favorite things about herself, and I did the same. Then, she listed ten things she likes about me. This practice encourages focusing on the positives in our lives.
In summary, discussing body image with your daughters can foster resilience, self-worth, and a positive outlook on their bodies. Engaging in open conversations, sharing personal struggles, and providing tools for critical thinking can empower them to navigate the pressures of society confidently.
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