About a year ago, my partner and I faced a significant turning point in our relationship. After more than two decades together, we had drifted away from our core priorities as a couple. Years of unspoken grievances and pent-up resentment led to a heated argument that culminated in a shocking revelation: “I want a divorce.” This prompted us to seek professional help, leading us to a therapist’s office just a week later.
Despite my deep love for my partner, the anger and hurt I felt made me question whether our relationship could be salvaged. We had become lost amid the chaos of parenting and daily responsibilities, and I doubted our ability to restore harmony. However, I was determined to take the necessary steps to mend our bond. One thing was clear: I was not going to pay for a session where we merely aired our grievances in front of a stranger; we could do that at home for free.
Together, we embarked on a journey to foster open communication and rebuild mutual respect. With the guidance of our therapist, we began to express our feelings without judgment. For the first time in a long while, we articulated how our actions impacted each other daily. This experience was enlightening, humbling, and at times, refreshing.
While our struggles were not rooted in infidelity, we discovered that four detrimental behaviors were undermining our marriage. These behaviors, which I refer to as the Four Horsemen, were gradually distancing us from one another.
According to the Gottman Institute, the Four Horsemen symbolize impending disaster and are often associated with relationships in turmoil. Clinical Psychologist John Gottman identifies these four warning signs as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Each of these Horsemen had become unwelcome visitors in our daily interactions.
1. Criticism
Gottman emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between a complaint and outright criticism. A complaint addresses a specific issue, while criticism attacks the character of your partner. In therapy, we learned to reframe our grievances by saying, “I felt hurt when you went running without me because I thought we agreed to do that together,” instead of “You’re so selfish.” It may sound simple, but mastering this distinction is vital for the long-term health of our relationship.
2. Contempt
I call this the “One-Upmanship” Horseman. When we express contempt, we are openly unkind or disrespectful to our partners. My partner and I had become skilled at competing over whose day was worse, often diminishing each other’s struggles. I frequently pointed out how much easier my partner’s workday was compared to mine. Contempt slowly invaded our communication, leaving us with nothing but hurt feelings. Gottman warns that contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce and must be addressed.
3. Defensiveness
This Horseman is straightforward. When we feel hurt or attacked, our instinct is to retaliate with excuses or harsh words. This behavior only serves to make our partner feel unheard and invalidated. Defensiveness shifts the blame onto the other person, preventing any real resolution. This has been the most challenging Horseman to banish from our marriage, but we are learning to communicate our feelings in ways that make both of us feel valued.
4. Stonewalling
How often have you lost yourself in your phone to avoid a tough conversation with your partner? Or given them the silent treatment when they tried to engage you? That’s stonewalling, which tends to emerge after the other three Horsemen have taken hold. Avoiding your partner is a habit that can be difficult to break. This ongoing practice of stonewalling creates a significant barrier to genuine communication. While it’s challenging to confront difficult emotions, dismantling that wall is essential.
Therapy has been a lifeline for our marriage. We are in a better place than we were last year, yet we recognize that effective communication requires continuous effort and practice. Sometimes, communicating effectively feels unnatural, but we are discovering that applying what we’ve learned in therapy yields significant rewards.
Our journey is helping us remove the Four Horsemen from our relationship for good. For those interested in family planning, consider checking out this article for insights on home insemination. Also, visit Modern Family Blog for more expert advice on relationship health. If you’re looking for information about pregnancy, the NICHD offers a wealth of resources.
Summary
Healthy communication is vital for maintaining a strong marriage. By recognizing and addressing the Four Horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—you can work towards a more open, respectful relationship. Therapy can be an invaluable resource on this journey.