We all aspire to raise children who are polite and respectful members of society. Many of us begin this journey by teaching our little ones to say “please” and “thank you” before they can even articulate full sentences. I remember my own kids reaching for a snack, and I would prompt them with “What do you say?” After handing them the treat, I’d nudge again, “And what do you say now?” I felt a sense of achievement when, on rare occasions, they would express gratitude without prompting.
However, simply teaching children to recite polite phrases does not inherently cultivate gratitude. Those expressions are merely automatic responses, socially acceptable yet devoid of true appreciation. In reality, having a sincerely grateful young child is an uncommon occurrence. (Let’s be honest, parents who expect this are often seen as insufferable, so take comfort in knowing that your child’s lack of gratitude is quite normal.)
Having an ungrateful child is, in fact, typical. Their perspective is largely self-centered, and no amount of explaining how fortunate they are or forcing them into volunteer work will alter that mindset. Their cognitive development hasn’t reached a point where they can fully grasp these concepts yet. Most children eventually develop a sense of thankfulness and even a touch of altruism, so don’t panic just yet.
Kids often struggle to think beyond their immediate desires and the overwhelming impulse of the moment. Is it mortifying when your child throws a tantrum in the store because you refuse to buy them a toy or a candy bar? Absolutely. But it doesn’t reflect poorly on your parenting skills, despite the inevitable chorus of judgmental comments from others online.
I once made the mistake of thinking my three-year-old could be swayed by guilt to part with some of his toys by highlighting how fortunate he was compared to children who had none. I aimed to declutter our home and thought if I appealed to his kind nature, he might willingly contribute to the cause.
I was sorely mistaken. He cried upon hearing about less fortunate children, which showed his kind heart, but he didn’t part with a single toy. Instead, he proposed that we should buy toys for those kids—and while we were at it, could we purchase a toy for him too? Any attempt to instill gratitude in your small child is likely to either go unheard or backfire spectacularly.
For instance, returning all their gifts or canceling Christmas to teach them a lesson about gratitude could save you some money, but it won’t make for a joyful holiday season. They may deserve the lesson, but the only thing they’ll learn is “Don’t mess with Mom during the holidays.” And come New Year’s, they’ll still be the same little terrors. It’s just part of their nature.
Thinking that good old community service will remedy the situation? At best, you might get a little help. At worst, they’ll likely hinder the adults who are genuinely trying to contribute positively. While attempting to teach your kids about giving and sharing time and resources isn’t bad parenting, the lessons they glean from forced situations may not align with your intentions.
As children grow and develop the ability to empathize, that’s when your efforts can truly take root. Simple actions, like encouraging them to set aside a portion of their allowance or earnings from the tooth fairy for charity, can help cultivate that sense of giving. However, if they’re still only thinking of themselves when you’re discussing college, that’s an entirely different issue.
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In summary, it’s perfectly normal for your child to exhibit ungrateful behavior as they navigate their formative years. While it can be frustrating, remember that most children will eventually learn to appreciate and empathize with others as they mature.