By: Jane Taylor
Date: September 5, 2023
I have to admit something that weighs heavily on my mind: I struggle with my self-image. It’s a truth I’ve faced numerous times, and it’s likely not the last. I find myself making self-critical remarks about my appearance daily. After carrying and giving birth to four wonderful children, each over 8 pounds—one even tipped the scales at 10 pounds, 5 ounces—my body has undoubtedly changed. It has been stretched and altered, and those changes are visible. While many women celebrate their stretch marks, C-section scars, and post-pregnancy bodies as symbols of strength and resilience, I haven’t quite reached that point.
Let me clarify: I wasn’t a supermodel before motherhood either. I never had a toned physique that turned heads in admiration. But I didn’t feel like I was constantly bursting out of my clothes either. Now, my body feels different—larger and softer. Finding outfits that flatter has become a daunting task. Those stylish flowing tops that look amazing with leggings often lead to the awkward question of “Is she expecting?” As a mother of four, it’s a question I’d rather avoid. I find myself wishing I could wear three pairs of Spanx just to feel comfortable in my own skin. Most days, I opt for athleisure wear, aiming to pull my pants up high enough to smooth out my silhouette.
Deep down, I know this mindset is irrational. No other mom is scrutinizing my body and thinking, “Wow, she must regret having kids because she looks awful.” Instead, they likely think, “Wow, she’s brave to have four kids!” Yet, despite knowing this, I can’t seem to shake my negative self-talk.
I often scroll through photos of myself and immediately hone in on the flaws. “Ugh, I look so heavy. My stomach looks awful. I need to delete this!” What struck me one day was how my behavior was impacting my children, especially my 4-year-old son. While flipping through my phone, he looked up at me and exclaimed, “Mom! I like this picture of us! You look so fat!” I was taken aback. Here I was, so caught up in my self-loathing that my son thought he was giving me a compliment based on my own words.
My older sons, ages 9 and 7, understand the situation more clearly, and their reactions are heartbreaking. They express frustration when I take too long criticizing myself, making us late for church or family outings. They often reassure me with comments like, “Mom, you’re not fat,” or “You look great.” The most poignant remark came from my eldest, who said, “Mom, you’re not fat. And you’re a great mom. Who cares?”
I realized I’m inadvertently teaching my sons a damaging lesson about body image. I’m not instilling in them the belief that women can be confident and strong, capable of achieving anything. Instead, I’m sending the message that if you don’t fit a certain mold, you’re less beautiful, less valuable. This mindset is far more damaging than any stretch marks I carry.
My children have shown me that they truly don’t care about my appearance. To them, I’m their mother, and that’s all that matters. They need my hugs, my support with homework, and my love—none of which depends on how I look. This unconditional love is a humbling reminder that I need to shift my perspective.
As mothers, we must learn to embrace self-love and reduce our self-criticism. Our children are always listening—even when we think they aren’t paying attention. They need to hear us speak positively about ourselves. It’s essential to look in the mirror and affirm, “I look great today,” even if we’re not feeling it. As our mothers always advised, if we can’t say something nice, perhaps it’s better to say nothing at all.
The truth is, if you’re out of bed and moving, you’re doing well. If you find clothes that fit, that’s a win. If you manage to get your kids dressed, fed, and out the door, you’ve conquered the day. But if the only thing you can say about yourself is, “I look terrible,” then it’s time to reassess.
For those interested in family planning resources, consider checking out this helpful guide on artificial insemination kits. Additionally, for more information on infertility treatments, this link from ACOG is an excellent resource. They provide valuable insights on pregnancy and home insemination, which can be quite helpful.
In summary, our self-image profoundly affects not only us but also our children. Embracing self-love and speaking positively about ourselves can foster a healthier mindset for the next generation. Let’s strive to be better role models and teach our kids that confidence and strength come in all shapes and sizes.