Even the Most Challenging Children Deserve Our Understanding

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Parenting

By Lisa Johnson

Updated: Aug. 26, 2019

Originally Published: Aug. 28, 2017

Yuliya Evstratenko / Shutterstock

It’s important to clarify: recognizing a child’s emotions does not mean indulging their misbehavior. The outdated notion that demonstrating kindness to a misbehaving child somehow encourages their negative actions simply isn’t accurate. Children often act out when they feel threatened, sad, angry, or overwhelmed. This doesn’t make them bad individuals or unworthy of our love and compassion. In fact, showing empathy helps them navigate the feelings that trigger their behavior, which is fundamentally different from endorsing it.

A child’s emotions are distinct from their actions. Addressing them separately is crucial, but it can be quite challenging. For instance, when my 6-year-old daughter, Lily, stormed into the kitchen in a fit of rage because she couldn’t locate her favorite stuffed animal, I felt my irritation rise. I was exhausted and in the midst of preparing dinner. My instinct was to dismiss her outburst and tell her to calm down.

However, I paused to observe her flushed cheeks and the tears streaming down her face, even as she fought to maintain her angry expression. This situation clearly felt monumental and distressing for her. What she required from me was empathy, not irritation.

Responding with understanding means acknowledging your child’s feelings, regardless of their behavior—especially when it’s testing your patience. The key is to set aside your immediate reactions and concentrate on what your child is experiencing rather than solely on their actions. While their behavior may seem completely unreasonable, the emotions behind it can be profound, and they likely need assistance in processing them.

Our instinct may not always be to respond with empathy; it’s a challenge to prioritize someone else’s feelings above our own, even when we care for them deeply. When our children aren’t behaving as expected or are acting out, frustration, defensiveness, or a desire to stop the behavior often become our automatic responses. In fact, I frequently find myself feeling the same emotions my children are expressing in those moments. That’s when I could use a bit of understanding myself. Why would it be any different for them?

Navigating childhood is no easy feat. Young children have limited autonomy—they’re told what to eat, what to wear, and where to go. They rely on adults for essential needs and are still figuring out how to interact in various situations. As children grow older, they face the complexities of changing hormones and academic pressures. Emotions can become overwhelming and frightening at any age.

Dismissing a child’s tears or telling them that their hurt isn’t significant is imposing our own values on feelings that belong to them. It’s vital that our kids don’t feel ashamed of their emotions or think they need to suppress them. Admittedly, being around a child who is upset can be stressful. While it’s natural to want them to stop feeling negative emotions, simply trivializing their feelings doesn’t effectively alleviate their distress.

This approach may quickly return us to our comfort zone, but it fails to teach our children how to manage their emotions. We shouldn’t assess the significance of their feelings; they exist, whether we approve or not.

I’m not infallible; I don’t always practice what I preach, but I strive to do so. Although it’s sometimes difficult to prioritize my child’s feelings over my own, responding to her anger or sadness with compassion ultimately diffuses the situation for both of us. When I recognize her pain, my own frustrations tend to fade away. The act of empathizing with her literally makes my heart ache. If my empathy can alleviate her distress, I’m committed to practicing it, even when her behavior is unacceptable.

This doesn’t mean I ignore inappropriate actions, such as rudeness or physical aggression. I always address these issues, but only once everyone involved, including myself, has calmed down. This involves managing my own emotions so that I can engage with my child’s feelings and understand what she needs. Addressing behavior without acknowledging feelings only exacerbates the problem.

Imposing consequences on a child who isn’t fully aware of or comfortable with their emotions only escalates tensions. However, offering understanding—no matter how challenging it may be in the moment—teaches them to cope with their feelings and gradually fosters emotional resilience. It also demonstrates what empathy looks like.

In a world where anger and violence often dominate the headlines, teaching our children about empathy is essential. Demonstrating understanding isn’t a sign of weak parenting; it doesn’t mean yielding to their every demand or tantrum. It shows them that we recognize how intense their feelings can be, and no matter how difficult those feelings are, they will always be loved.

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In summary, understanding our children’s feelings—especially during difficult moments—can foster emotional growth and resilience. While it’s not easy, prioritizing empathy over frustration is crucial in raising well-adjusted children.