Dear Lucas,
As your 15th birthday approaches, I know you likely have countless questions about life. Please remember, you can ask me anything—I’m here to provide honest answers and unwavering support. You will always have my heart, no matter what.
Sometimes, I think I underestimate your capabilities, my brave young man. When I entered your room this afternoon, I thought a single shopping bag would suffice to collect all the empty water bottles strewn about. I was sorely mistaken.
Your talent for consuming water and then hoarding the bottles is nothing short of astonishing. I often wonder if you’re secretly planning to construct a raft to float down the Colorado River in search of better bottled water.
Equally impressive is your knack for placing items next to their proper containers rather than inside them. I’ve provided a plethora of storage solutions so you can easily locate what you need, especially during those frantic mornings when you’re late for school. How many times have you searched for that favorite comic book T-shirt or a matching sock? It’s a staggering number, believe me.
Yet, here we are, with piles of clothes scattered in every direction. My darling, this is the reason some animals eat their young—though I’m pretty sure you’re mostly composed of bottled water and wouldn’t offer much sustenance anyway.
I’m also quite perplexed. I distinctly recall establishing a household rule against sticky and sugary drinks in the bedrooms. You know, a precaution against ants? Yet I can’t help but think you’re saving those remnants for some unknown future purpose. Do you pour the bottled water into other containers? I simply can’t fathom it.
We should probably dedicate a weekend to decluttering some of your childhood belongings. Yes, it’s hard for me to accept that my “baby” is growing up and sprouting hair on his chest. But you’ve clearly outgrown that playschool artist pedestal, along with the tiny guitar hidden behind it.
Thank you for holding onto the little anime drawing I made for you; it genuinely warms my heart. You are the center of my universe, and I love you deeply. Even if your messy habits drive me to the brink, I would still consider it a privilege to be your mother.
However, I must warn you: soon, I might just replace your mattress with all those empty water bottles. And please, for the love of everything good, STOP USING THE NICE TOWELS.
With all my love,
Mom