“Wow, he’s adorable! Are you his nanny?”
In the early stages of my son’s life, I faced this question two or three times weekly. Once he began to speak, the puzzled expressions intensified whenever he referred to me as “Mommy.” The inquiries shifted from “Are you his nanny?” to an unspoken disbelief that I could be his mother.
These moments still happen. My instinct is to wave my hands dramatically and exclaim, “Yes, I’m a Black woman! Yes, I’m his mother! He literally came out of my body, and if you ask me if I’m his damn nanny again, I might just lose it.” Instead, I often just nod and move on, unwilling to satisfy their curiosity.
After four years, I thought I’d seen it all, but the frustration remains palpable. It’s not just me; this is a shared experience among mothers of color with mixed-race children who may not resemble them.
Recently, a video went viral showcasing a little girl interrupting her father’s live interview on the BBC. A visibly flustered woman rushed in to retrieve her, followed closely by an infant in a walker. Amid the chaos, many viewers referred to her as “the nanny” simply because she was Asian and her husband was white. Once it was revealed that she was the mother, some argued that their assumptions stemmed from her demeanor.
This brings us back to a deeper issue: women of color are often labeled as “the nanny” until proven otherwise. When I’m out with my son, I am frequently assumed to be the “nanny” until I clarify, “No, he’s mine!”
Interestingly, a search for “mixed-race family” on stock photo websites reveals that about 75% of the images depict a family with a person of color as the father and a white mother. According to research from Essence magazine, Black men are twice as likely to date outside their race compared to Black women. However, many women of color, including friends of mine in interracial relationships, defy this notion. So why do people still assume that a Black woman (or any woman of color) with a child who may resemble their father’s ethnicity is merely the caregiver?
It’s both ignorant and insensitive to interrogate a stranger about their children’s parentage. It’s baffling that I even have to point this out, yet here we are.
The lack of representation of mothers of color with mixed children perpetuates this issue. I’ve encountered children who bluntly ask me, “Why is your son white?” I respond patiently, explaining that his father is white and he looks more like him. It’s vital to educate young minds about the diverse appearances of families.
As my son approaches school age, I dread the kind of questions he may face from peers. I refuse to teach him to just endure this line of questioning; it’s not fair. He should not be obligated to answer “What are you?” repeatedly while trying to navigate his youth.
As a woman of color, raising a child who appears more white than I do presents its own challenges. Some people are quick to tell me that he looks just like me, which is valid, but he also resembles his father. And that’s perfectly acceptable. Mixed-race children often embody diverse traits from both parents.
Acknowledging that my experience as a Black mother with a light-skinned child is fundamentally different from that of a white mother with mixed kids is not defensiveness. It’s a reality; a white mother with mixed children is rarely questioned about her role or her children’s appearances. While it can happen, it doesn’t occur with the same frequency or intensity.
This isn’t the first time I’ve discussed this topic. The dismissive attitudes towards the feelings of women of color in these situations are rampant: “Can’t you just be proud of your child?” “Why does it bother you what others think?” “You’re being overly sensitive.” “I deal with this all the time; just ignore it.” “White women experience this too.”
But the crux of the matter remains: why do people feel entitled to probe into my life and my child’s identity? Compliments about my son are always welcome; I know he’s adorable, clever, and wonderful. However, crossing into invasive territory—questioning his parentage, race, or our relationship—is unacceptable and should be challenged.
Addressing this frustrating phenomenon doesn’t make me or other women of color overly sensitive or harsh. We are not obligated to “get over it” for the sake of others’ ignorance.
I’m not the nanny. I owe no one an explanation.
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Summary:
This article discusses the challenges faced by women of color, particularly Black mothers with mixed-race children, who are often misidentified as caregivers or nannies due to societal biases. It highlights the frustration of being questioned about their children’s identities and advocates for awareness and understanding about the diverse structures of families.