“She’s got a problem with her mother,” you said, dear former mother-in-law, as my son and I worked to safely manage our autistic daughter, who was in the midst of a screaming, kicking meltdown during her sister’s 8th birthday party. Yet again, I found myself missing out on family gatherings because someone had to be there for her when these situations arose. “She’s got a problem with her mother,” you repeated, this time in front of my own mother—quite audacious of you! After finally getting her settled in the van, I allowed my tears to flow, releasing my own pent-up frustration.
You see, Linda, it had been an exceptionally challenging few days. This meltdown was merely the culmination of numerous emotional episodes that had unfolded throughout our busy summer. The night prior, we had just returned from a trip to a nearby amusement park, where the thrill was accompanied by several intense meltdowns. While we try to prepare her for unexpected events that might unsettle her, there are times when it’s simply unavoidable. We strive to teach her coping strategies, but they don’t always take effect. We want her to experience joy and freedom, yet her childhood is often punctuated by episodes of overwhelming emotional turmoil. In those moments, there’s little I can do to rein in her feelings. Instead, we support her as she navigates the emotional storm—much like a roller coaster ride with tightly fastened seatbelts and sturdy bars to hold onto.
Your granddaughter has high-functioning autism, often referred to as Asperger syndrome. To those unfamiliar with her, she can appear either perfectly “normal,” albeit a bit quirky, or she can show a different side altogether. When calm, she radiates charm and intelligence, capable of conversing like a seasoned adult. Yet, when anxiety takes over, her behavior can shift dramatically—she may lash out verbally and physically, her fight-or-flight response kicking in with alarming intensity. Often, her triggers seem trivial, like the absence of corndogs at the amusement park, yet the root cause is usually overstimulation and sensory overload. Though some may judge and say I should have kept her home, I believe the experience was invaluable, as it also included moments of pure joy.
Such intense reactions can provoke strong responses from onlookers. Some individuals express concern, as did the security personnel who intervened when they witnessed a child screaming and running from her mother. Fortunately, they understood the complexities of autism and offered their assistance in keeping her safe. Others, however, opt for harsh judgment, assuming that a child losing control is simply being rude and that the parent has failed to establish boundaries. They oversimplify a complex situation, choosing to blame rather than empathize. Thankfully, most people I’ve encountered have been supportive, but there are still many who have not.
I strive to keep your granddaughter safe during these episodes. I feel her distress, my own pain, and the impact on her siblings—all of whom are also affected by her behavior. The embarrassment and fear of judgment weigh heavily on me. I shoulder this burden out of love for her. Yes, it happens far more often than I can count, and no, I don’t condone her behavior during meltdowns. I do set limits and attempt to teach her better coping mechanisms. Am I a perfect mother? Absolutely not, but I give it my all.
Mothers of children with autism have been unjustly blamed for their kids’ behaviors for decades, a stigma that still lingers today. While society has become more accepting and educated about autism, the fear of judgment remains pervasive. We often question our efforts and wonder if we are doing enough. I didn’t need your criticism, Linda. I already felt defeated. I suspect that your comments didn’t bring you closer to your granddaughter or make you feel better about your own shortcomings as a mother (we are all imperfect, after all). Your words cut deep and offered no assistance.
Ultimately, the “problem” lies not with her mother but in the challenges of autism itself. I cannot “fix” her or rewire her brain. I cannot shield her from her own instinctual responses; I can only support her through it all. In moments of crisis, logical reasoning and discipline fail to penetrate her emotional turmoil. Instead, I can only converse with her about her experiences once she has calmed down, hoping that one day she will learn to manage the neurobiological spirals that lead to these meltdowns.
But you chose not to see this, didn’t you? You reverted to a simplistic, black-and-white perspective that is gradually becoming outdated. You have the power to evolve, to understand the complexities of emotional responses, and to embrace empathy. You could educate yourself about the neurological aspects of autism and the physiological responses involved in meltdowns. If you find the topic confusing, there are plenty of resources available to help you understand. You can appreciate the unique gifts of your granddaughter without casting judgment.
And of course, you can acknowledge and respect her mother—who tirelessly supports her day in and day out. I am here, doing my best for her.
In conclusion, the journey of parenting a child with autism is fraught with challenges, but it is also filled with love and growth. Support, rather than judgment, is what we need most.
For further insights into parenting challenges, you can read more at Modern Family Blog. Additionally, if you’re interested in family planning resources, our post on cryobaby home insemination kits may be beneficial. For those exploring assisted reproductive technology, the NHS provides excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination.