A few years back, after picking up my eldest son from a friend’s house, I was taken aback when he burst into tears the moment he got into the car. “What’s wrong?” I inquired, surprised.
“Nothing,” he replied, through sobs.
“Really? What happened?” I pressed.
“He… he said I throw like a girl,” he cried.
“What’s wrong with throwing like a girl?” I asked, but my words did little to stem the tears. And thus began my journey to unravel the problematic attitudes surrounding masculinity and boyhood in our society.
My awareness of gender biases emerged almost immediately after my son was born and intensified as he grew into a toddler. He was undeniably different from many of the little girls we encountered—unable to sit still during circle time, preferring instead to explore the gym’s padded mats. He was loud, energetic, and, as they say, “all boy.” But what does that label truly signify?
The concept of masculinity—the expectations, double standards, and the excuses we assign to boys and men—has troubled me for quite some time. Why do we teach our boys, who are just as emotional as girls, to suppress their tears? Why do we impose unrealistic demands on them to remain still, labeling them as “out-of-control” when they simply need to move? Why are comparisons to femininity employed as insults? What does it mean to “man up”?
On the recommendation of a colleague, I recently viewed the documentary The Mask You Live In, produced by Jennifer Siebel Newsom in 2015. As a parent of two sensitive boys, the themes of masculinity and emotional authenticity resonate deeply with me. How can I nurture my sons to become compassionate, gentle, and emotionally aware men? How do I encourage them to express their feelings honestly, without suppressing their emotions?
If you haven’t seen this film yet, make it a priority on your watchlist! It will profoundly influence how you parent if you have sons. Even if you don’t, it will reshape your perceptions of the boys and men in your life—be it your nephew, a local teenager, or your partner.
Prepare yourself; this documentary will evoke a spectrum of emotions. I found myself tearing up throughout its entirety and couldn’t stop pondering its messages for days.
The film follows boys and young men as they strive to live genuine lives amid America’s restrictive definitions of masculinity. It features interviews with parents, educators, youth advocates, and men from various backgrounds—including the prison system—to explore the detrimental effects of our society’s masculine norms.
I can’t encapsulate the entire film in just a few words, but a significant focus is on how we teach boys that “being a man” means rejecting anything perceived as feminine—like sensitivity, emotions, and connection. These traits are human qualities, not exclusively feminine. By discouraging our sons from embracing these aspects, we deny them a crucial part of their identity and reinforce a harmful hierarchy over women, contributing to issues like sexism and violence.
Despite receiving mixed reviews for its superficial treatment of complex societal issues, The Mask You Live In initiates a necessary conversation. In a time marked by violence and social unrest, we must acknowledge our roles in perpetuating or dismantling a culture that fosters toxic masculinity.
Our sons deserve a better upbringing; we deserve a better society. I still cherish the memory of my younger son receiving the “Most Compassionate” award at his preschool summer camp. It was a moment of immense pride, and that award remains on our fridge after four years.
Shouldn’t we aspire to celebrate our sons’ kindness and empathy rather than just their athletic achievements? Shouldn’t we commend them for being good friends, rather than pressuring them to “man up”? Our boys will grow into men, and although it may seem like a swift transition, it is a gradual journey that requires guidance from us all.
As parents, we face a choice: we can continue to push them toward societal norms or encourage them to embrace their true selves. The path we choose will shape their future. For more insights on parenting and fostering emotional intelligence in boys, check out this excellent resource on artificial insemination or explore fertility supplements to help you navigate your family’s growth.
Summary
The Mask You Live In is a powerful documentary that challenges societal norms surrounding masculinity by exploring how boys and young men are affected by narrow definitions of what it means to be male. It encourages parents to foster emotional literacy and genuine self-expression in their sons, paving the way for a more compassionate future for all.