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For My Kids: Their Body, Their Rules
by Emily Johnson
Aug. 18, 2017
“Can I give her a hug?” the stranger queried, her arms open wide, as my daughter stood beside me, twisting her little hands with a look of unease.
“I’m not sure. Maybe you should ask her,” I replied. My five-year-old slightly shook her head, but the woman remained hopeful.
“How about a high-five?” I suggested, suppressing my irritation. Can’t you see she’s clinging to my leg like she’s afraid you might take her away? That woman looked genuinely let down.
Why would a child, especially one who doesn’t know you, feel inclined to hug a stranger? I understand that you find her adorable, but her cuteness doesn’t entitle you to her affection. Just because she’s a child doesn’t mean she must validate your need for affection.
Bodily autonomy—this is the principle that allows individuals to make decisions about their own bodies. Seems pretty straightforward, right? I don’t tell you what to do with your body, and you don’t dictate my actions at a neighborhood barbecue.
So why do we, as parents, feel we can impose our choices on our children regarding their own bodies? Who they embrace, who can touch them, or who can smother them in sticky kisses?
I recall one of my great-aunts who loved to greet us with sloppy kisses during family gatherings, which happened infrequently. Her matte coral lipstick and the squishy sensation on my cheek are memories that linger. Even today, her perfume triggers that same feeling of discomfort I experienced as a child. I had to endure it, pretending the affectionate gesture was pleasant. To me, she felt like a stranger, and that experience was awkward and unsettling.
Because of these memories, I’m determined that my kids won’t have to endure similar situations. We strive to instill a strong sense of bodily autonomy in them from a young age.
Admittedly, if my children had their way, they might never take a bath again, neglect brushing their teeth, or avoid combing their hair. They could easily turn into little Pigpens, leaving trails of dirt and chaos in their wake. My daughter would likely choose to go clothes-free, while my son might sport a dirty face like a disheveled beard.
However, there are numerous ways in which we grant them genuine autonomy over their bodies. I won’t impose my fashion preferences on them, nor will I force them into hairstyles they dislike (though I do insist on occasional washing!). I won’t dictate any permanent modifications to their bodies, like ear piercings.
Moreover, I will never compel them to hug, kiss, or touch anyone against their will, including us, their parents, or other family members.
I believe that empowering them to make choices about their bodies will serve them well as teenagers, especially when I’m not there to guide them. They will learn how to assert their boundaries when they feel uncomfortable. They will understand that they alone have the right to determine what happens to their bodies. They’ll realize it’s okay to prioritize their comfort, even if it disappoints someone else. This is an invaluable lesson.
Their body. Their rules. Period.
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In summary, fostering a culture of bodily autonomy in our children empowers them to make confident choices about their bodies, ensuring they feel secure and respected throughout their lives.