“Hey, do you prefer being called a bonus mom or a stepmom?” my daughter, Lily, asked one afternoon as we lounged in the family room, enjoying some downtime together.
Her question brought a smile to my face. It was an easy answer for me, one I’ve embraced for quite some time. “I like the term ‘bonus’ much more than ‘step’ or ‘extra.’ A bonus is something unexpected but delightful, like the joy of having you as my bonus kids! I never anticipated having you in my life, but I feel incredibly fortunate to have you!” I replied, and she beamed back at me.
“Awesome, you’re my bonus mom!” she exclaimed.
When my bonus children first came into my life, we didn’t dwell on labels. Our sons were just a year old, and our daughter was barely four; they didn’t have any need for definitions, so we didn’t impose them. To be honest, I can’t even recall the first time someone labeled me a stepmom. I understood that, in societal terms, any non-biological parent entering a child’s life through marriage or relationships was deemed a “step” parent, but I never felt connected to that label. “Step” implies a distance, especially in terms of biology, but I never felt that distance. I was deeply involved in their lives, sharing parenting duties alongside my partner, who was a stay-at-home mom while I worked full-time.
For me, the essence of being a bonus parent is rooted in my perspective on parenting. Growing up in a blended family, I was taught early on that love isn’t limited to blood relations. I watched my half-sister lovingly call my biological father “Dad,” even though he was technically her stepdad. At the age of 12, I quickly bonded with my stepsiblings and developed a strong relationship with their mother, who became another maternal figure for me. These connections, though unconventional, provided the same affection and support as my biological family. To me, it has always been about the connections we build, not genetic ties.
As I envisioned my own family, my desire to parent flourished, but that desire was never contingent on biology. Thus, when I fell in love with a woman who had three biological children, my feelings were simple: I loved her, and by extension, I loved her children.
Of course, not every adult who enters a relationship with a single parent finds it easy to bond with their partner’s children. Factors like the children’s ages, the presence of the other biological parent, or having children of their own can complicate these relationships. Yet, despite having our complexities, my situation felt straightforward. I had plenty of love to give, and my partner’s children were eager to receive it, so we approached our family dynamic with open hearts.
However, being a bonus parent isn’t without its hurdles. Our children have two biological parents across different households, which means our time with them is shared. This reality is one of the most challenging aspects of being a bonus parent. While we cherish the time we have, it’s not something we get every day. Nevertheless, the beauty of parenting—bonus or otherwise—is that our kids are always with us in spirit. Their presence remains in our hearts, shaping our daily lives even when they are away.
This lesson is one that all parents learn as their children grow, but for those of us who share parenting responsibilities, it often comes sooner. Although it can be tough, I choose to view this as a silver lining. We’re compelled to treasure every moment we have together, aware that our time is limited.
I can’t claim that my love for my bonus kids mirrors that of a biological mother’s love, nor can I assert that my feelings would be the same if I had children of my own. The truth is, I don’t have that perspective, and I likely never will. But what I do know is that these kids hold an irreplaceable place in my heart. Whether they are by my side or out pursuing their dreams, I am profoundly grateful for the impact they’ve had on my life.
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In summary, my journey as a bonus mom has been a beautiful blend of challenges and joys, shaped by love and connection rather than biology. The bonds I’ve built with my bonus kids are profound, and I cherish every moment spent nurturing our unique family dynamic.