I stumbled upon a post on social media revealing that my ex-partner, the father of my child, is now dating someone new. In the photo, they looked happy, and he was even holding our dog, both of them donning matching shirts. Instantly, I felt a knot in my stomach, prompting me to close the app in a flurry of anxiety.
Though it’s been a year since we ended our relationship, I know he has every right to explore new connections. However, when you share a child, the dynamic shifts. We may not have been married, but we built a life together for over six years, and our shared child binds us in a unique way. I believed I deserved a more considerate way to learn about his new relationship, especially since he often claims I’m still a close friend.
It’s easy to fake happiness for your ex and convince others—and even yourself—that you’re okay with their new relationship, while inside, you may be feeling quite the opposite. Society often dictates that you’re allowed a brief period to feel the sting of a breakup before moving on to acceptance, but that’s much simpler in theory than in practice.
If it were a typical ex you didn’t have to see again, moving on might be straightforward. But when a child is involved, you’re likely to have ongoing interactions, sometimes even weekly. Each time you look into their eyes, it can trigger memories of the good times you shared, making it painful to see them finding joy with someone else.
Two months have passed since I discovered my ex’s new girlfriend, and I’ve experienced a whirlwind of emotions. I felt anger—not just towards him for not informing me sooner, but also for being the first to move on. I’ve gone through the grieving process of our past relationship anew. I’ve wrestled with fears of loneliness and tried to muster genuine happiness for his new love, though that joy often feels elusive. Just when I think I’m okay, another photo appears, and the hurt resurfaces.
I’ve realized that my feelings, no matter how uncomfortable, are valid. I acknowledge them and work through them. Seeing my ex regularly, especially when he visits to spend time with our son, can be triggering. Those moments remind me of the life we could have had together, dragging me down into confusion and pain once more.
It’s perfectly natural to feel curious about your ex’s new partner. You might find yourself searching for them online or asking your ex about their relationship (I won’t confirm or deny that I’ve done this). While your ex doesn’t owe you every detail about their new romance, you are entitled to know about how this new person might impact your child’s life. Take the time to figure out when and how you want this new partner introduced to your children, and communicate those preferences clearly.
Remember, regardless of your feelings towards your ex’s new girlfriend, it’s crucial to maintain neutrality around your children. You must shield them from your emotions, no matter how hurt or angry you may feel.
There’s no singular way to process the end of a relationship. Each day may bring a different emotional experience, and it’s important to honor your feelings without shame. The person your ex is dating may come and go, or perhaps they’ll choose to settle down. In time, you will find your own peace and happiness. So whether it’s indulging in a pint of ice cream or venting into a pillow, do what you need to cope.
It’s all going to be okay, and you’re not alone in this journey.
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