When it comes to parenting, most of us instinctively know that if our child is physically hurt and crying, they deserve our comfort. Similarly, when emotional pain surfaces in the form of tears—especially if it’s not merely whiny—most parents quickly rush to provide solace. However, the approach can become murky when we encounter a crying child in situations that challenge our instincts.
What happens if your child appears to be “fake-crying”? Or if they’re in a rage-filled fit, lashing out at those around them? How should you respond when tears erupt in a public place? What if the tears are a reaction to not getting their way? And what if, as the day wears on, they’ve cried for what feels like the hundredth time, testing your patience to the limit?
In situations where a child’s behavior is disruptive or poses a risk to themselves or others, it’s crucial to address both the crying and the accompanying actions. However, aside from these scenarios, I firmly believe that my role as a parent is to comfort my child whenever they cry, regardless of their age or the reasons behind their tears.
Now, I understand that some may raise an eyebrow at this viewpoint. You might assume that I’m setting my children up to become self-entitled or overly coddled. That’s far from my intention. In fact, my approach is rooted in a profound belief that comforting my children during their tears is vital for their emotional and psychological growth.
Children experience feelings that can be overwhelmingly intense and, often, they don’t possess the tools to manage these emotions effectively. It’s a little-known fact that the part of the brain responsible for regulating emotions doesn’t fully mature until their early 20s. For many kids, crying is simply the only outlet they have when emotions spiral out of control.
I believe that ignoring, shaming, or dismissing a crying child sends a message that their feelings are insignificant or should be suppressed. Every child’s emotions—no matter how challenging or noisy—deserve acknowledgment and validation. Children need to feel supported by the individuals who matter most in their lives, primarily their parents.
This sentiment extends beyond infants and toddlers; older children also grapple with their emotions and may need our guidance to understand and process their feelings. Their emotions can manifest in various ways, from loud outbursts to quieter, more subdued sobs.
My responsibility is not to scrutinize their feelings or judge their emotional expressions. Instead, I aim to listen, validate, and assist them in navigating their emotional landscape. This doesn’t mean condoning inappropriate behavior; rather, it’s about recognizing that crying is a legitimate release of emotion that warrants respect.
For instance, if my 5-year-old wishes for a cookie and I tell him no, he may erupt in tears. In this case, I will comfort him and help him articulate his feelings. I might say, “Are you feeling sad because you can’t have a cookie right now?” Often, he’ll nod through his tears, passionately insisting on having that cookie. While he may express his frustration loudly, I will be there to support him without shame or punishment. He can cry in my embrace as we navigate his disappointment, and I will validate that feeling—after all, who doesn’t love cookies?
However, this doesn’t mean I will relent and give him the cookie. Comforting him through his emotions is not synonymous with indulgence; it’s about providing a safe space for him to express himself. This strategy enables him to release his feelings and move on with his day, learning that I am a trustworthy figure who helps him work through his emotional complexities.
As my children grow, I aspire to remain their safe haven for emotional expression. If I dismiss their current disappointments—like not getting a cookie—how can I expect them to confide in me about more significant issues when they arise in the future? What seems trivial to adults can be monumental in a child’s world.
If I instill a belief that certain emotions are unacceptable to express, I risk damaging the trust and communication we share. Ultimately, every parent must find their own balance in addressing their child’s crying. While I can’t speak to your unique parenting dynamics, I encourage you to trust your instincts. If you feel inclined to comfort your crying child, stick with it. There’s no need to worry about raising a “soft” or “spoiled” child; instead, you’re nurturing a young individual who understands that their feelings—every single one—are valid and that there are people in their lives they can rely on for emotional support.
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Summary
Comforting a crying child is essential for their emotional and psychological development. Rather than viewing tears as a sign of weakness or manipulation, parents should recognize them as legitimate expressions of complex feelings. By providing support, parents foster trust and open communication, enabling children to navigate their emotions effectively.