Prioritize Yourself First
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I Challenge You To Use The Bathroom Like A Dad
Could it be time for all of us to start taking better care of ourselves, perhaps by adopting the mindset of dads?
By Emma Thompson
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: June 16, 2022
A telling trait of my partner is that, even amid family mayhem, he consistently makes time for himself to enjoy a cup of coffee. Whether it’s a chaotic school morning where we’ve all overslept or the frantic moments before breakfast when a hangry toddler is about to erupt, my amazing husband always manages to prioritize his caffeine fix.
Throughout our eight years of parenting, he has taken on his share of responsibilities. He has comforted babies in the early hours, cleaned pump accessories, crafted Halloween outfits, baked cakes for birthdays, packed lunches, and even learned to handle a curling iron with surprising skill. In parenting our daughters, he’s been a true partner. Yet, he has never neglected his own needs while caring for our children—unlike me.
Picture this: By 7:00 AM, he’s finished his workout on the treadmill in the basement. Meanwhile, I’m upstairs, trying to dislodge my 3-year-old’s foot from my side while she clings to me in her sleep. As my husband showers and gets ready, I’m busy shuttling kids from bed to bathroom, brushing tiny teeth, and wrestling the youngest into her clothes. As the clock ticks down to departure time, I’m inundated with questions, mediating squabbles between siblings, and frantically searching for missing items. Like countless mothers, I’m a whirlwind of motion—none of which centers on my own well-being.
At some point in my journey through motherhood, I adopted the idea that my time comes after everyone else’s. As I shepherd the kids out the door each morning, I set aside my own needs: I skip getting dressed, neglect breakfast, and often wait to use the bathroom until the children are well on their way to school. I could be on the verge of a toddler-style accident right in the kitchen, yet I would still dive into searching for a lost sock if needed.
I know I’m not alone in pushing my own needs to the back burner. Many mothers prioritize their families above themselves, a narrative ingrained in us through generations: the self-sacrificing mother. But why do we continue this pattern? In an era where partners are more involved, why do we treat our own needs as secondary? Is it simply because that’s how our mothers acted? If so, it’s our duty to break this cycle and stop pretending we don’t have needs. Our needs—basic and otherwise—hold just as much significance as anyone else’s.
This is where the “self-care” industry often falls short. We’re inundated with elaborate advice on how to “fill our own cups” or put our “oxygen masks” on first. We’re presented with a plethora of options for self-care, most of which demand time and resources we simply don’t possess. Yet, the solution might be much simpler: take care of your needs as they arise, even if it means enduring a little whining from your kids. In other words, perhaps we should all start acting a bit more like dads. We don’t need extravagant spa days; we just need to remember to prioritize ourselves in small, meaningful ways—like using the bathroom when we need to.
What does this mean? It suggests we might need to let go of some control in favor of caring for ourselves. If you’re a solo parent, it might involve training your kids to wait a bit. If you have a partner, lean on them, even if it means watching them struggle occasionally. There’s nothing in our DNA that makes mothers innately better caretakers; it’s a skill learned over time. Take my partner’s hair-styling abilities, for instance.
When my eldest was 3 and then again at 4, I traveled for work multiple times, leaving him to manage her long, golden hair that was prone to knots. For five days, he learned to wash, comb, and style it, adapting quickly—even if her hair resembled a chaotic mess initially. Now, after years of practice and two more daughters, he nails a perfect center part.
The takeaway here is that if we truly want to prioritize our well-being, we must be open to relinquishing control. Even if it means watching our children leave the house with mismatched hair or gritting our teeth against their impatient complaints, we need to embrace change and support each other. Sometimes, it might boil down to what we tell our potty-training toddlers: When you have to go, just head to the f*@#ing bathroom.
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