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- Getting Real
Our Family Is More Chaotic Than Blended
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Sometimes, you just have to embrace the fact that your family isn’t the picture-perfect ideal — and that’s perfectly fine.
By Laura Thompson
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: June 16, 2022
We’ve all seen those uplifting stories about blended families where ex-partners come together with new spouses for the sake of the children. Dads and stepdads walking daughters down the aisle at weddings; moms and stepmoms exchanging heartfelt letters filled with love and appreciation. They’re lovely, aren’t they?
Then there’s my blended family. We don’t resemble that at all, and we probably never will. Some of us just don’t mix well — and the key to making it work for us was acknowledging that.
From nearly a decade of being a stepmom, I’ve learned a valuable lesson: no matter how deeply my partner and I love our kids, you can’t force a child to like you. It simply doesn’t work.
You can try your hardest. You can make adjustments and even overlook unacceptable behavior or dismiss those “you’re not my mom” comments. But that approach can’t last forever. Eventually, the pressure will overwhelm you, and you might find yourself holed up in your closet, devouring cookies and sipping sweet red wine because you’re on the verge of losing your sanity. Well, maybe that’s just me.
Do you know why second marriages often fail? I believe it’s partly due to the kids. They constantly test us. And then there are the exes. What people often overlook during subsequent marriages is that your relationship isn’t just between the two of you. The presence of your former partners looms large and casts shadows over every interaction with your kids. If the other parents aren’t supportive of your new family setup, no amount of love can fix it.
This situation is why treating all kids equally is nearly impossible. Trust me, we’ve tried. But the rules we established at home often didn’t carry over outside our walls. Kids are smart; they quickly learn which house has lenient rules and who will give them what they want versus who says, “Tough luck.” (You can quote me on that!)
The rare moments when we did blend were beautiful and created some of our favorite memories — but when those moments ended, our family dynamic would sour like milk left out too long. Cooperation vanished and laughter turned into tantrums. The all-too-familiar cries of “That’s mine,” “It’s unfair,” and “I can do that at mom’s” would fill the house or car whenever things started to unravel.
This reality is more common than you might think, as many of us living in it feel guilt and shame that’s hard to voice. Instead, we often suffer in silence, taking it out on ourselves and our partners. And let me tell you, we’re experts at that — or at least I was.
After a few years of trying to fit the blended mold, where our family unit thrived on love rather than existing in a constant state of tension, my partner and I realized that we couldn’t let the chaos dictate our lives anymore. We began discussing how our kids’ behavior affected us instead of burying those feelings. We discovered that boundaries were essential — no more tolerating unacceptable behavior. If a child broke our rules, they lost a privilege. Period. We also let go of certain expectations, like requiring all kids to attend each other’s events. We learned to pick our battles and developed a contingency plan for when things went awry. We needed to reconnect as allies, and let’s be honest, you can’t be on the same page if you’re not even in the same book.
My partner and I have accepted our chaotic reality and now take things as they come instead of forcing ourselves to conform to societal expectations. Our marriage is strong, and our kids are safe and sound. I call that a victory.
Some of you have nailed this blended family thing, and that’s truly inspiring. But those of us navigating a more chaotic family existence need understanding and support. We’re genuinely trying to make this work, even if it doesn’t always look like it.
Celebrate the small victories when they happen, and savor the moments when the family does blend. And during the tough times, keep a stash of cookies and wine handy in the closet.
Laura Thompson is a freelance writer and editor living with her husband, children, and their lovable mutt in Denver, Colorado. She enjoys crafting novels and short stories, correcting grammar, and hiking with fellow writers. You can learn more about Laura on her website or follow her on social media.
This article was originally published on June 16, 2022.