My Ex-Mother-in-Law Showed Me How Not to Be a Good Mother-in-Law

Family | Relationships

By Emma Carter
June 1, 2022

One day, I found myself at the beach with my ex-mother-in-law, my sister-in-law, and our kids. Amidst the chaos of my three toddlers splashing in the water, I struggled to keep up with the conversation. “I just need ten minutes,” I said, hoping they’d sit down for a snack so I could engage. That’s when I heard her condescending remark: “A daughter is a daughter for life, but a son is only a son until he takes a wife.” She directed this to her daughter while ensuring I heard. Here I was, married to her only son, and yet she continued, “My daughters check in on me; my son doesn’t.”

Her passive-aggressive comments were a regular occurrence during my marriage. Whenever my ex-husband helped with the kids, she’d remind me how she single-handedly took care of hers. “Daddy never even changed one diaper! That was my job!” she would exclaim, reminiscing about the past as if it were a badge of honor.

Then there was the time I struggled with nursing. When she visited, expecting to be served dinner just two days after I had given birth, she stated, “What’s the problem? Eating and sleeping were never issues for me and my kids.”

With my third child born just before Thanksgiving, I faced complications that prevented our five-hour trip to visit her. Although she was invited to stay with us, she refused. My ex-husband foolishly put her on speakerphone, and I heard her sob, “Why can’t you come? What’s wrong with her? Can’t she just sit in the car?”

Caught in the middle, my then-husband felt guilty about confronting his mother. I wanted him to stand up for me, but he couldn’t muster the courage. This dynamic took a toll on our marriage. We both could have managed things better; I don’t blame her entirely for our issues, but she certainly didn’t help.

Lessons Learned

However, I learned valuable lessons about how not to behave when my children start families of their own:

I Will Respect Their Parenting Choices
As a grandmother, my role is to support, not criticize. I raised my three kids my way, and it’s not my place to comment on how my grandkids are brought up unless there’s a serious concern. After all, if my children choose partners like me, they won’t care about my past methods anyway.
I Will Avoid Passive-Aggressive Remarks
This approach does nothing but create tension. If there’s something bothering me, I’d rather have an open conversation than make snide comments that only serve to upset everyone involved.
I Will Not Guilt Them for Their Choices
Their lives are their own, and if skipping a family gathering or opting for solitude after a baby makes their lives easier, then I support that. I’m there to help, not to pressure them into situations they might resent later on.

Watching your children establish their own families can be challenging, and I get that. But I won’t drive a wedge between us by making them feel guilty about their new responsibilities or commenting on their family dynamics. The aim is to maintain a close bond, not to push them away by being difficult with their partners.

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In summary, my experiences with my ex-mother-in-law taught me valuable lessons on how to foster healthy relationships with my children and their partners as they start families of their own. I aim to respect their choices, avoid passive-aggressive comments, and support their decisions without guilt.

Keyphrase: Mother-in-law relationship advice
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