Navigating the Loss of Libido After Having Kids: A Personal Journey

Be Kind to Yourself

When my first child arrived nearly two decades ago, I remember a specific day when I noticed my partner eagerly marking the calendar. He had circled the six-week milestone post-birth with a giant smiley face. While he was thrilled about resuming our intimate life, I was struggling just to find the energy to smile, let alone engage in sexual activity.

I tried to convey to him that just because the doctor had given the green light after six weeks, it didn’t mean I would magically be ready for intimacy. What kind of arbitrary timeline is that? Why not approach intimacy when we both feel ready? Yet, like many new mothers, I felt the pressure to satisfy my partner’s needs, even as I grappled with my own feelings.

As the weeks passed, I hoped my dwindling libido was just a phase. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. After the six-week mark, society seemed to expect us to revert back to our pre-pregnancy selves—ready and willing to embrace intimacy. The reality is, it took nine months to grow a baby; shouldn’t it take an equal amount of time to regain our former selves?

Dealing with postpartum challenges while caring for an infant is no small feat. Simple tasks, like using the bathroom after stitches, can feel monumental. Our hormones are in disarray, our bodies feel different, and our emotional states are often volatile. Add to that the overwhelming stress of parenting and sleep deprivation, and it’s clear that recovering one’s libido is no straightforward task.

I remember feeling obligated to engage in sex because I was “allowed” to after six weeks. This self-imposed pressure only served to diminish my interest further. My partner, who hadn’t experienced childbirth, couldn’t fully grasp the changes my body was undergoing. Transitioning from mother to sexual partner felt daunting, especially with a baby sleeping just a room away. I became anxious, fearing that my lack of desire meant I was somehow failing.

With the arrival of two more children, my sense of touch became even more overwhelmed. My energy was depleted, my sleep was poor, and my hormones were erratic. I even explored various solutions—everything from sexy lingerie to discussing testosterone cream with my doctor. Despite all these efforts, I realized my lack of desire stemmed from a deeper issue: I simply didn’t want to force myself to feel sexy.

Why was I so hard on myself? Why did I need to revert to who I was before having children, when my life had changed so drastically? Once I alleviated some of that pressure and communicated my feelings to my partner, things began to shift.

The journey back to intimacy was gradual and not without its challenges. After having three kids in quick succession, my libido seemed to vanish for almost eight years. It was a long time, but things started improving once my children got older and I had more time for myself. Most importantly, when I stopped comparing myself to my pre-kid self, I found joy in intimacy again.

I now genuinely enjoy being sexual and initiating intimacy, rather than dreading it. If you’re finding yourself in a similar situation, remember to be patient with yourself. Everyone’s journey is unique—some friends of mine bounced back quickly after childbirth, while others took longer, just like me. The key takeaway? Don’t compare your experience to anyone else’s.

If you’re struggling with a low libido post-baby, be gentle with yourself. You’ve nurtured a new life while also juggling your own needs. It’s perfectly okay to take your time and heed what your body is telling you. Your libido will return—you just need to allow it the space to do so.

For more insights on this topic, feel free to check out this related post and explore resources like Make A Mom for expert advice on fertility and intimacy. You can also find valuable information on treating infertility.

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