In Philip Larkin’s poignant poem “This Be The Verse,” he articulates a truth that resonates with many: “They mess you up, your mum and dad./ They may not mean to, but they do.” This sentiment rings true for countless individuals.
While some parents commit truly unforgivable acts, for most, their shortcomings fall into the ordinary realm of parenting failures. They might raise their voices too often, suppress their emotions, belittle their children, overlook signs of mental health struggles, or simply fail to provide the love and support their kids crave. The aftermath? Children who grow up feeling neglected and unworthy of affection.
My own parents were no exception. I often found myself on the receiving end of harsh words and criticisms that left me questioning my worth. The one time I witnessed my mother in tears, I was overwhelmed with confusion and fear, as her vulnerability was such a rarity. I was labeled too sensitive and accused of lacking common sense.
Over the years, I’ve battled with severe anxiety, depression, and mild ADHD. The emotional warmth I craved was often absent, prompting me to distance myself from my parents. I moved away for college, eager to escape the chaos of their emotional turmoil.
As adults, we confront a critical decision: Should we sever ties with parents who may have caused us pain, or should we choose to embrace them? My journey to answer this question was long and fraught with self-reflection, therapy sessions, and conversations with trusted friends. Ironically, it was during my parents’ difficult divorce that I came to my conclusion: I would choose to keep them in my life, for my own sake, for my children, and for theirs.
Admittedly, my parents can be challenging. Their communication patterns fluctuate; they might reach out frequently for a couple of weeks before disappearing for months. When I try to initiate contact during these silent periods, conversations are often short and tense, leaving me feeling undervalued and used. I sense that they are more interested in my successes—like when I wrote an article for a prestigious publication—than in my struggles, such as when I’m grappling with a mental health crisis.
They aren’t perfect. My mother struggles with understanding my mental health issues, and my father has his own misguided beliefs. He tends to downplay serious matters and often indulges in alcohol despite his declining health. Yet, amid these flaws, I recognize their genuine attempts to provide for me. Their generation rarely discussed mental health openly, and my father has at least acknowledged his past failures in supporting me. They worked tirelessly, often overwhelmed and exhausted, to create a better life for us.
In moments of darkness, they showed their support by surprising me with gifts, like a horse that helped lift my spirits. They cheered for my academic achievements and were present at my athletic events. Their efforts, albeit imperfect, were sincere.
This commitment to try is what keeps me tethered to my parents today. There have been significant rifts, periods of silence where my frustration overwhelmed me. Yet, I recognize that they deserve an opportunity to connect with my children. My kids adore their grandparents, seeing them not through the lens of past grievances but as sources of love and adventure.
My mother has become a champion at soothing my kids to sleep, while my father eagerly anticipates fishing trips with them. He expresses pride in my accomplishments and shares my writing journey with his friends, showcasing his support in his own way.
Despite their toxic traits, I’ve noticed that as they age, some of those rough edges have softened. Reaching this understanding required me to forgive them for my childhood experiences—a process that was neither simple nor quick. It involved extensive therapy and the realization that they did the best they could with their circumstances.
If your parents’ shortcomings don’t cause deep harm, it may be worth maintaining those relationships. Each situation is unique, and in some cases, cutting ties might be necessary, especially for those with truly toxic family dynamics. I once believed that distancing myself from my parents was the right choice, but I’ve come to see how that can strain other family connections.
Ultimately, my decision to keep my parents in my life has proven rewarding. I still have a family, and that connection, despite its complexities, enriches our lives. I hope this example of forgiveness and resilience will influence my own children’s choices regarding family in the future, as I acknowledge that I, too, am imperfect.
For those considering starting a family, you might find useful insights on home insemination options at this link. It’s essential to navigate these personal choices thoughtfully, and further information can be found on in vitro fertilisation as a helpful resource.
In summary, while familial relationships can be fraught with challenges, the choice to maintain those ties can foster growth, understanding, and ultimately, love.