Understanding Toxic Behaviors
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Is Your Mother a Narcissist? Could You Be One?
Psychotherapist Lena Derhally delves into the complexities of narcissistic parenting.
By: Emily Carter
Updated: September 21, 2022
Originally Published: May 6, 2022
We all possess a hint of narcissism within us—yes, you read that right! Each individual carries some degree of self-focus that influences their actions. Typically, these narcissistic traits are cultivated during childhood, making it unsurprising that many individuals grew up with narcissistic mothers or fathers. This often raises concerns about whether we might unknowingly exhibit similar behaviors toward our own children.
It is essential to understand that a certain level of self-interest is normal, but it becomes problematic when it escalates to the point where it harms relationships or causes emotional distress. Recognizing whether you were raised by a narcissistic parent could be your first step in breaking the cycle. If you’re unsure, being aware of common phrases narcissistic mothers tend to use can provide clarity.
Lena Derhally, a licensed psychotherapist and author of The Facebook Narcissist, shares valuable insights into this multifaceted subject.
Characteristics of a Narcissistic Mother
According to Derhally, narcissistic mothers frequently regard their children as mere extensions of themselves, often neglecting the child’s individual identity. “They may push their child into activities that align with their own vision while disregarding what the child is genuinely passionate about. For instance, if a child dislikes ballet, the narcissistic mother might insist they continue, even if it causes distress,” Derhally explains.
The affection of a narcissistic mother tends to be conditional, leading to feelings of unworthiness in her children. “Narcissistic mothers center everything around themselves,” states Derhally, “so if a child expresses hurt over something the mother did, she may react dramatically, shifting the focus back onto her feelings.”
Common traits of narcissistic mothers include an obsession with appearances, emotional unavailability, and manipulative behaviors like gaslighting.
Do Narcissistic Parents Recognize Their Behavior?
Narcissism exists along a spectrum, and the degree of self-awareness varies. Derhally points out that if you’re concerned about exhibiting narcissistic tendencies, it’s likely you aren’t a true narcissist. “Many narcissistic parents lack concern for how their words may affect their children. They are typically preoccupied with their own feelings,” she says.
True narcissists might even find a sense of satisfaction in being unkind, viewing their children as deserving of such treatment. This manipulation can manifest in various ways, including withholding affection or compelling children to earn their love through compliance.
You might be thinking, “I would never say those things to my child!” And you could be right. However, it’s important to recognize that having narcissistic traits doesn’t make you a full-blown narcissist. “Those with narcissistic tendencies often feel guilty about their behavior and are aware that it may harm their children,” she mentions.
What to Do If You Suspect Narcissism in Yourself or Your Mother
Should you fear that you possess narcissistic traits, the first step is acknowledging the issue. “Understanding that this could be a problem is significant,” says Derhally. “Professional guidance from a therapist can help you navigate your past and address the defense mechanisms you may have developed.”
If your mother is the one exhibiting narcissistic traits, remember that you are not at fault. “No child deserves to endure narcissistic abuse from a parent. Seeking help to establish boundaries and rebuild your self-esteem is crucial,” emphasizes Derhally. “While therapy can be expensive, numerous books, podcasts, and YouTube channels provide valuable resources for children of narcissistic parents.”
Examples of Common Phrases from Narcissistic Mothers
- “That never happened. You must have imagined it.”
- “I do so much for you, and you never show appreciation!”
- “You should try being more like [insert another person]. They’re so wonderful.”
- “Why can’t you just get over it already?”
- “You’re always so busy with your own life that you don’t even think about me.”
And many more.
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In summary, understanding the behaviors and phrases commonly associated with narcissistic mothers can help individuals identify harmful dynamics in their upbringing. Seeking professional help and taking proactive steps can aid in breaking the cycle of narcissism and promoting healthier relationships.
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