When Your Tween Unloads Their Emotions on You

It felt like a hormonal hierarchy in which my daughter needed to vent her feelings, and I was the chosen one to bear the brunt.

By Jenna Miller
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: April 27, 2022

I walked into my then 10-year-old daughter Emily’s room to say goodnight and found her curled up in a ball on her pink polka dot blanket, crying. Her face was red and puffy, her eyelids swollen. “Sweetie, what’s wrong?” I asked, panic rising in my chest. With wide eyes, she replied — a moment I’ll never forget — “I don’t know! I can’t stop crying!” Suddenly, she hiccuped loudly, and in the blink of an eye, she burst into laughter, tears streaming down her cheeks for an entirely different reason. I handed her a glass of water, embracing her, completely baffled by the whirlwind of emotions I had just witnessed.

This was just one of the many instances during her emotional tween years. Sometimes, her tears erupted into glass-shattering screams; other times, she wanted me to lie beside her, clutching her tightly or singing her favorite lullabies. There was no predictability in her moods, but I was thankful when she could express how I could support her because feeling helpless was unbearable. Yet, while stroking her hair and rubbing her back, I couldn’t help but yearn for some alone time, dreaming of that glass of wine I had poured or the new book waiting for me on the coffee table. After a long day, I often felt drained, needing space from my child. But how could I walk away when she looked at me, exhausted from whatever emotional storm had just swept through her, her red eyes brimming with tears, pleading for me to stay?

I understood her mood swings were a natural part of puberty. I had experienced my fair share of hormonal upheavals myself: Every month, I find myself resenting my husband, contemplating a complete overhaul of our home, and feeling disappointed in my children for about 24 hours. Then, when my period starts, it all clicks into place. My sweet girl, not yet a teenager, was being overwhelmed by the unpredictable tides of estrogen. And in turn, I felt overwhelmed by her. It was like a hormonal relay race where she needed to unload her emotions on someone, and I was the fortunate recipient. So what should I do? Leave her to face it alone? Absolutely not. Stay in her room until dawn? No way. I needed to find some balance.

Here are four small strategies that helped me support my daughter while also taking care of myself:

Normalize. I needed to help Emily understand that experiencing intense emotions during the tween and teen years is normal, even if they don’t know the cause. It’s frightening for kids to cry without understanding why or feel angry with no clear reason. These feelings may resurface later in life during pregnancy, menstruation, or menopause, so it’s crucial to normalize, not demonize. Our role is to help our kids recognize that hormonal fluctuations can lead to unpredictable feelings and behaviors, but remind them that these emotions are temporary.

Breathe. When our kids are in emotional turmoil, it’s important to encourage them to breathe, as it helps calm their minds. However, suggesting, “Take some deep breaths,” might earn you a glare. Instead, we can engage in co-regulation: by taking deep breaths ourselves, we can inspire our kids to follow suit. We don’t even need to explain it; we just do it, hoping they catch on. Even if they don’t, our own breathing will help us stay composed in the chaos.

Don’t Solve. It’s natural for parents to want to fix their children’s sadness or anger. Seeing them hurt is painful, and our instinct is to intervene. However, when their tears or outbursts stem from hormonal fluctuations, there’s nothing to fix—just being present is essential. This realization can be frustrating, but as our tweens navigate puberty, there will be many moments we can’t fix. We must teach them coping mechanisms instead.

Set Limits. This is crucial for our own well-being. I purposely avoided the term self-care; this is about survival. We need to establish boundaries regarding how much time and energy we can dedicate to supporting our kids during these emotional storms. If we don’t recharge ourselves, we won’t have the stamina to face another day of parenting. It helps to be clear about how long we are willing to engage with them. For instance, “I’ll sit with you for 10 minutes, then I’m going to read my book. I’ll check back in an hour.” And if things get too overwhelming, putting on some of our favorite music can either uplift the mood or prompt our kids to ask for space.

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In summary, guiding a tween through their emotional upheavals can be challenging, but normalizing their feelings, practicing deep breathing together, avoiding the urge to fix everything, and setting boundaries can create a healthier environment for both parent and child. It’s a delicate balance, but with patience and understanding, it is possible to navigate these turbulent years together.

Keyphrase: Tween emotional support
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